Christmas...

I'm trying so hard to be happy for Christmas.
This is a time of year when I'm usually bursting
with love, energy, and happiness.
This year I feel very little of any of it.

I know it's there.
I just can't feel it.
Which is so frustrating.
I just wish I could curl up and sleep..
Preferably with someone's arms around me..
Or my arms around them.

I haven't felt this alone in years.
Why has it been hitting me lately?
I sometimes wish I was more like other guys.
So I could just go have sex with someone and be ok.
But I'm not like other guys.

So back to Christmas.
I need to be thankful for what I have.
I'll try to focus on all of that.
I'll try to hold Jesus close to my heart.
I'll try to remember the promise I made..
and the sacrafice I offered..
and the reason.

Held back

I want to accept this woman.
I've never had someone this into me.
It feels good.
She's probably a good match for me too.

But I hold myself back.

I'm not finished walking another path.
There are still things to be found here.
Places to explore.

The right direction

Somebody new came in my life recently.
She's very interested in me
and she's made that clear.
We're probably a pretty good match too.
She's very smart..
A med student actually.
Seems like someone I should take a chance on.

But there are others I'm interested in still.
One is mutual,
but the likelihood of it working is slim.
We do enjoy each other's company though.

One I have incredible chemistry with,
but she won't let go and explore it with me.
Part of her wants to, I feel it,
but her past prevents her from doing it.

One is perhaps just a foolish move,
but I feel young with her.
We have fun, and we keep the other smiling.
We already know it won't work,
but it's still a nice escape now and then.

One is my past.
A temptation I must resist.
But she knows how to seduce me.
She knows my weaknesses.

So as I'm pulled in all these directions
My options keep growing
Though most I ignore
Some stay on my radar.

I can let go of the ones I must,
but my desire to know more is overwhelming.
Could I be wrong? Of course.
Could I be right? Yes.

I want to be unleashed upon
to feel the storm's fury.
It may simply wash away debri.
Or it may uncover new treasure.

So as I sit upon this mountain...
contemplating my choices...
hoping for a hand...
I smile, knowing that the path I take
Will lead me to where I need to be.

Warmth

Today..
I pushed the curtains aside
And felt the warmth of the sun
Fall upon my body
Like it was the first time

The intensity forced my eyes to close
And my breath to deepen
My mind was silenced
My soul was opened

A dance has begun
Between my spirit and the sun
Moving as one
They lit the world around them

Like birds in flight
Moving with the wind
An elegant ribbon
High in the air

One more breath
Is all I can take
I exhale slowly
And fall back to earth

The chill of winter
Now melted away
The memory of this moment
Is all the warmth I need

My conflict

It's one of those days today
When I seem angry or sad about everything
I don't know what it is
Maybe it's the rain
Or the frustrations I have
Or maybe that I feel overlooked...
Ignored..

I usually don't care if I'm overlooked
But sometimes
It hits me harder than it should

I want to be alone today
But I want the company of certain people
But I don't
I need to be close with someone today
Without having to feel obligated to be close

If I were more physically expressive..
I'd be crying right now
I feel it in me
It wants to come out
I'm torn

Even a call from someone I love dearly
Did nothing to lift me up
I wish I could go hide somewhere
And if anyone found me
I would hold them close to me
And let it all out

But I can't hide
I have to help heal others
I have to create a veil of happiness
So these people can be lifted just a little
The burden I carry is heavy sometimes
And I fear the loneliness that comes with it

I'll get through today
Hardly anyone will see my conflict
I have a gift for masking it
But some know me too well
They will be reassured
And I'll move on.

Perhaps one day I will receive
The closeness I crave
Even if it's merely a moment
Cause at least then
I will have felt the energy
Of two dynamic souls
In the dance of passion and life.

My dear friend, Nichelle

I've been thinking about Nichelle a lot lately.
I wish she wasn't such a busy person
Cause I could really use her energy around me right now.
She was always able to reach me on another level.
Not with the things she would say
But simply by being in her presence.

Sometimes we'll go awhile without talking much,
But it never matters when we do decide to pick it back up.
It's always felt natural with Nichelle.
Nothing seems to shake our friendship.

She challenges me intellectually..
Something that very few people do.
She can make my mind go places
And discover things
That were unattainable beforehand.

I love her dearly
We shared a lot over the years
And we always seem to find more to share.
A truly wonderful and amazing friendship.

Love you, Nichelle!

Better

So far, today is better.
I went to bed late last night
But slept well and long
I heard my phone beeping this morning
But ignored it
Until I heard the sunshine.

I smiled to myself
And rolled over to reach for my phone
The voice on the other end
Was one that nearly always makes me smile

Then I read the messages I ignored.
I smiled more.
I feel loved today.
Some of my friends truly know
What it is to be a friend.

There are days, like yesterday
When I feel more love from my patients
Than I do from my friends and family.
But it's not a bad thing...
I don't expect my friends
To always give me attention and love

Today...
I'm happy.
I look to the future
And see good things coming my way.

I feel changes coming.
This is good.

A negative night

I have no idea why I'm writing tonight.
There's nothing specific I have any desire to write about.
I'm in a horrible mood..
I just don't feel like faking happiness anymore today.

I wish I could just write about this past Sunday
But if I decide to write about that
I need to do it justice
Which I can't do tonight

I could sit here and rant
About all the stuff I had to put up with today..
Or complain about friends
Not acting like friends.
But that will do no good tonight.

It's just one of those nights
When all that can be done
Is sleep and hope
That when I wake up
I'll wake up with a smile.

We'll see...

Late night rambling

I lost my way today
Though I'm starting to see more clearly
It was a really hard day
Disappointment and aggravation smothered me.

I couldn't shake my mood at all
Didn't even want to call Jasmine or Ingrid or Kelly
I don't like people seeing this side of me
Which, I suppose, is why I'm here writing
And hoping this will be enough to erase these feelings.

As I sit here on my floor writing
I received some messages
From two women from my (not so distant) past
They both make me happy

I'm glad they still talk to me
Cause I think I hurt them both a bit
When I told them I started dating someone else
All those months ago
...A poor decision indeed.

Live and learn, Brian
Experience all aspects
And you'll fulfill your life
And leave no questions

Hmm..."leave no questions"
That gives me an idea for another post..
But not tonight...I need more than four hours sleep tonight

Running from fear

Stop running away

The way to your destination
Is this direction

The direction you fear
Is the one to take

It is possible
To be happy

Just push through the fear
And embrace what you find

This time, it was easy

A burden has been lifted from my heart
I feel lighter
And more free

Through the years
Letting go has become easier and easier
And this time
It took very little effort

It's not that I don't feel deeply
I probably feel more deeply than most people
But my view of life and the universe has evolved
And God has given me the gift of understanding

So my focus has returned
I'm marching on
I rely on myself and the voice within me
The two things that have never let me down
And never steered me wrong.

Watch me walk my path
Walk with me if you'd like
I am surrounded by love either way

A bad day

I'm probably not in the best state of mind to be writing,
but I don't care tonight.
That's what I'm supposed to be using this for right?
To empty out my head...
To share these sacred thoughts...

I'm agitated.
With work.
With friends.
With family.
With so many things.
And so many people.

I get frustrated
When people think they know me better than I do.
I spent nine years alone..
Just so I could explore myself
And figure out why I am who I am
And why I do the things I do
And why I think the way I think.

Nine years it took me..
To find myself.

I don't even know why I'm talking about all that.
I'm just in a horrible mood.
I wish someone would just break it for me..
Cause there are a few people who certainly could..
But whatever.

I'll always be the one who gives..
I made that choice a long time ago.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't choose that way..
but that feeling doesn't last.

I'll be ok.
I just might need a little nudge.

A little down

I'm a bit disappointed tonight.
I was looking forward to today all week,
But the reason I was looking forward to it
Just didn't happen.

I'm not upset or angry about it.
My spirits were just let down,
That's all.

I don't really have anything else I feel like talking about.
Not tonight anyway.
So I'll just wait for tomorrow
When my friends start calling and sending messages
And my spirits start rising up again.

Even as I write this,
I received a message from a friend.
Like she read my mind
And wanted me to know
That she's thinking of me
And wants to see me soon.

That's a whole other story though
And not one I feel like writing about tonight.

when God ran

Just a little reminder.

I don't care if you believe in God,
Or if you believe Jesus is one and the same.
His life on Earth was inspiring.
He led a life of love for everyone,
Even those who did him wrong.

His heart was open to everyone.
He knew he would be punished for this.
He still walked forward
And accepted the pain.
His reward was still to come.

So I ask,
Why is it so hard for us to do the same?
We walk in fear of pain.
We avoid it at all costs.
The pain we go through is trivial
Compared to the pain he endured...for us.

I will try to walk on
Regardless of my fears.
Regardless of the pain I may endure.
I will give my love
And I will accept love from others.

Sometimes

Sometimes..
Life brings us to places
We can't truly appreciate..
Or even see
Until we climb the mountain before us
And look back over the valley behind us.

Sometimes..
We think we know
Where we are
Or even where we're going
Until we stop looking at the map
And open our eyes to what's around us.

Sometimes..
We think we know
Who we are
Or who we hope to become
Until someone enters our lives
And changes the way we feel about life.

Sometimes..
We believe we're happy
With our lives
And with what we have in our lives
Until we're shown what it can be
And the possibilities that are all but within our grasp.

Sometimes..
We're forced to wait
For the things we truly want
With no guarantee that it will ever be ours
But we still wait
Because we believe it's worth it

Sometimes..
Life gives us a taste
Of the best things in the universe
Just so we know we lived
Even if we never taste it again
We'll still know what life truly means.

Hopefully..
It all comes together
By the time we die
Whether it's tomorrow or decades from now
Just so we can die happy
And know we lived life to the fullest.

Rambling

I don't have much to write tonight.
I'm feeling love in me, and around me.
That keeps me happy.
Knowing that people love me brings my life to whole new level.
I feel it coming from around the world.
From people in Australia..India..California..Georgia..Canada..Florida...
Just all over..
It's great getting emails and texts from these people telling me they love me..
They miss me..
They send me good energy and warm thoughts.

I can't describe what these small things mean to me.
Sometimes I go through times when I wish people would send these small tokens of love more often..
but really..
I appreciate anything like this, as often as it comes...
or as seldom.

Sometimes I worry about sending my love to others..
I love strongly and deeply..
But sometimes people misread that as me being in love with them..
And then they distance themselves..
Fearing that they will hurt me.

There are only a few people I'm completely open with regarding my love..
Kelly, Veronica, Ingrid, and Nichelle.
They understand my love.
And they share the same love with me..
Those four ladies...
I love them so deeply..
I'd do anything for them.

Awaken

My mind is returning to me
As I laid on the ground tonight
And gazed at the stars
Something washed over me
And gave me my peace.

For over a week
My mind was running free
Landing in one place
And jumping to another

Like watching the leaves
Fall from a tree
I was watching my thoughts
Fall from my mind

Chaotically beautiful
It's all I could watch
Now that it's over
It's time to clean up

Not long ago
These thoughts were out of my reach
Now on the ground
Their mine to pick up

Beautiful colors
Beautiful shapes
Some fell together
But all are unique

Some have been damaged
By storms of the past
It no longer matters
'Cause they're within my grasp

Just as the trees
My mind now has room
The reason for the fall
Is for new life to bloom

The harvesting is done
I've reaped what I sowed
I find comfort for the winter
So in the spring I awaken

Lessons

He gave me darkness so I would learn to feel.
I will trust my inner guide.

He gave me betrayal so I would learn to forgive.
I will let go.

He gave me death so I would learn to live.
I will live my life fully.

He gave me loneliness so I would find myself.
I will always be true to who I am.

He gave me pain so I would learn to heal.
I will help others at all times.

He gave me fear so I would learn to be brave.
I will take chances.


Thank you for giving me these lessons.
You have sculpted me into a great man.
I will bring passion back into my life now.
I will embrace others and let them know me.
If at some point You give me the blessing of a family,
I will care for them as You have cared for me.

More life

So I've been rather isolated today.
I haven't talked to anyone.
I returned no messages.
I'm not in a bad mood though.
Just in a place where I need less distractions.

Now as I say that
I'm hanging up the phone.
I was talking to someone truly special to me.
I needed that phone call.
And she is one of only about three people I would've answered for right now.

I feel more myself now.
Not entirely, but more-so.
But I'm still ironing myself out.
Maybe it's time for me to start pulling myself back together.

Like my blog title suggests..
I'm like a nebula...
A bunch of random particles and thoughts
Until something pulls it all together..
To create a brilliant star.

So maybe it's time.
I'll let that idea sit for a day or so.
Then perhaps I'll reel myself in
And jump back on my path.

Getting crazier

I wanted to be creative tonight
I wanted to do something special
But my mind is in overdrive
It won't stop tonight.

This is starting to get to me.
I'm not sleeping much.
My mind is starting to make me hurt.
It's playing games with me.
I don't like it tonight.

It's jumping from one thing to the next
But tonight it's negative
Even the things that make me happy
Like certain people, or things I have planned,
Even those are being warped into something negative.

A mind like this is dangerous
But something is still telling me to let it go
It's leading me somewhere
Or so I'm told.

Just get there quick
Cause I can't take much more.
It's effecting my body and emotions
And soon it'll effect the ones I love.

I can't have that.
Just take me where I need to go
So I can give my mind a rest


I could really use someone next to me right now
Maybe I'll get a random text to distract my mind
Maybe I'll get set on the right path tomorrow

I need to be touched..
and I need to touch..
Something inside me is burning
And I'm just watching it burn.

Unfinished business

As my mind continues to wander
It stumbled upon death.
Difficult questions arose
Difficult answers were glimpsed.

Am I happy with my life?
Yes...and a big no.
I'm proud of who I am
But there's still so much to say
And so much to do.

Does everyone really know
How much I love them?
Did I show it enough?
Did I say it enough?
Did I say it at all?

Did I hear what others had to say?
Did I hold them close to my heart?
Did I help them in some odd way?
Or did I miss my chance to do all this
And make a difference in their life?

There are things I must do
There are things I must say

-------------------------------------

I need to rewrite my letters.
There's a lot I need to add to several people's letters.
Maybe it's strange that I have these letters.
But it's all I can do right now to make sure certain people in my life know how I truly feel about them and the relationship we shared.
I'll work on that this week.

A chaotic mind - and My Love

My eyes are screaming
My head is aching
I want to sleep
But my mind can't rest.

It's been roaming aimlessly
From relationships to money
To careers to apartments
It's not focused.

So I write
And hope for some clarity
Though so far
It's just more of the same.

My mind works wonders
When I'm able to focus it
It's been hard to do
For several months now.

I know how to fix it
But why don't I do it?
It's like I want to fall on my face
Just to show I can get up.

But I want to move forward
That time has come
Now to find the motivation
From within...not without.


-------------------------------------


My Love

It's been a long time
Since I've shared my love.
I have a lot to give
Just no place to put it.

I've seen glimmers of hope
That last a small while
But even then
I knew it'd never last.

I'm a nice guy
And we finish last.
I'm every woman's wish,
But no woman's desire.

I remember a vow
I made to God
Many years ago
In a very dark hour.

I told Him I'd stay single
For my entire life
So I can finish my promise
If that's what He wanted.

Though I meant what I said
I thought He'd still give me
A woman to walk with
And share our love.

I can't be angry
I can't be sad
I'll just keep working
On the promise I made.

My love will be felt
In the work that I do
And I'll be rewarded
When I return home.

Ow...

What is about saying things aloud that makes them more emotionally charged?

I came to a realization the other day and it didn't bother me in the least..
or at least it seemed that way.
Tonight I shared this realization,
these feelings,
with the person they involved.

Was it something about actually hearing the words?
"I don't have any expectations anymore"
Why did it bother me when I heard my voice saying those words?
I guess saying it made it real.

We're friends.
Just friends.
She'll be a truly wonderful friend though.
And I'll be as true a friend as I possibly can be.

I guess I wanted more.
The potential I felt was immense.
But potential is just that...
Potential.

I suppose it can still happen
but not now
I doubt it would be anytime soon either.
So I must move on.

I'm the nice guy..
The best friend..
As always.
Let's not make it a bad thing though.

Reconnect

I felt His presence with me tonight.
On my ride home,
my mind wandered from work to life to relationships.
I was feeling a little confused.
I took a deep breath
and an energy swelled within me.
He let me know that He's always with me.

I think I've allowed myself to get too caught up in the physical world lately.
I've neglected my spiritual self.
That wasn't a nice realization.
I apologized to God..and to myself.
I didn't mean to lose touch.
Perhaps that's why I've been feeling stuck lately.
I need to reconnect.

Then maybe I can move forward.
Maybe I can feel free again.
Maybe I'll see my path.
First things first..
Reconnect my spirituality.
Then the rest will be clear.

Balance

I believe I've been knocked off balance recently.
I think it's important for that to happen from time to time..
that way you keep yourself in good practice for when things really go awry.

This time it was a pleasant swing.
One that let me peak around the corners of my life
and see what I couldn't see before.

The best part of being knocked off your center...
is that when you try to find it again..
you realize your center has moved slightly.

It's kind of like a soap bubble floating in the air.
As it changes shape because of outside influences,
its center fluctuates with the gentle flow of the walls.

So in life, we must adapt to the ever-changing walls around us.
Focus on the elusive center
And welcome that challenge.

--------------------------------------

I have come to a crossroads in my life...
several of them, actually.
One in my career.
One in romance/love.
One in my finances.
One in my creative outlets...
The list could probably go on.

So what does this mean for me?
Changes are coming.
Some I have to deal with soon.
Others I have the luxury of waiting a little while to decide.

But, as always, I will be guided by God and His gentle ways.
I just have to remember to keep my mind quiet
so I can hear the soft whispers
and understand my steps.

Frustration of Choices

Frustration has set in..
It's my own fault.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't do too much,
But I can't do too little.

How do I balance it?
How do I go forward
When I'm pushed back?
Do I stop?

------------------------------------------

There's a direction I want to go.
A direction I feel is the right one.
Now as if someone announced that to the world,
I'm being pulled in other directions.

One feels more natural than anything I've ever experienced.
But I step that direction and an obstacle stops me from going further.
One feels like it just knows I'm looking another direction
And wants to prove that it's a beautiful and comfortable path.
One tempts me with an exotic mystery
But I need more than mystery to entice me now.

So...now what?
I'm beginning to feel lost here.
I need a nudge
From someone..
From God..
Anyone.

Opportunities

I had a discussion with a great friend of mine last night.
It was a much needed heart to heart.
Some deep feelings were discussed.
And some deep fears were shared.

We spoke of friendship
and love
and life with all its twists and turns.
And we spoke of fears.

I told her about something I've been fearing lately.
She understood the fear.
She asked what I was going to do about it.
..I don't know.

I explained how it seemed God was sending things my way to remind me about this fear.
Then a deep question arose.
Is He sending you reminders about that fear?
Or is He giving you the opportunity to overcome that fear?

Ah...then I remembered something taught to me in church growing up.
God doesn't test us,
He doesn't warn us,
He doesn't try to scare us,
He doesn't wait for us to be ready...

What He does is gives us the opportunities
to prove to ourselves that we can do it,
to keep ourselves open to new things,
to overcome our fears,
to show us that we are indeed ready.

So the next time I find myself asking
"God, why are you doing this to me?"
I will remember that He is not "doing something to me"
He is giving me an opportunity..
And I will take the opportunity gracefully.

Don't Move...

I stood by the water, ready to leave my sacred space
And follow my path through the forest.

"Don't move..."

Something inside me fluttered.
I stood...transfixed..
My world was going blank..
My senses were failing me.
My eyes closed..I could no longer see.
My body froze..I could no longer feel.
My mouth went dry..I could no longer taste.
The forest went silent..I could hear nothing.
I stopped breathing..I could no longer smell.

Then a warm island breeze brushed my face.
It began to thaw the forgotten corners of my heart.
The intoxicating aroma of Autumn Jasmine enticed me to breathe again.
And it reminded me what it is to live.
The soft petals whispered across my lips
Leaving behind the sweetest nectar for me to taste.
The birds were singing again, the waves splashing peacefully.
A celebration of all of life's joys around me.
Finally, I opened my eyes...
And saw my beautiful sunrise.

My senses were reborn...

The reigns

At some point last night
my mood shifted to a different side of me.
I felt like doing something crazy.
I felt like taking a chance.
And I also felt very sexual.

Though we all know I'm not the kind of guy
who looks for a hookup...
The thought crossed my mind.
There are certainly plenty of women I know
who would have no reservations if I wanted to have some fun with them.
But I came right home after work.

If I had a girlfriend,
she would've had one hell of a night.
Not just sexually..
I would've made it a night to remember...
even on short notice.

Alas..I am alone.
Not that it's a bad thing.
I don't want to jump in too fast with anyone.
I must keep my bearings.
I must stay level headed.
I must not lose my heart before there's a place to put it.

My heart is battered and bruised
But it is still stronger than most..
and braver than most.
Which is why I must keep the reigns on my heart..
otherwise, he just may be a little wreckless.

So I continue to walk my path..
enjoy my surroundings..
and the people I meet..
and the people who walk with me.

If I Die Young

This song puts me in a trance..
It makes me want to...
To hold the people I love.

So if I were to die..are there things left unsaid?
Yes..

What do I do about that?
Do I go around saying those things to the people I want to say them to?
I want to...

Are there things I would've wanted to do before I died?
Oh yes..

What do I do about that?
Trust in God...
Listen to my heart...
Believe in love...
Enjoy my life...
Embrace my friends...
and live.

It's nearly 3:30am

I can't sleep...
not sure why
...maybe I do know...
but I'm not guessing.
I just want warmth..
in my heart.

Limbo

The past couple days have had so many ups and downs..overall, just weird days.
My imagination has been running rampant
The people around me are all being crazy or weird as well
The weather has been dreary
Just not the best couple of days.

Let's start things off with the negative so that we can end on a good note...
I got an email from my new friend that just left me feeling like I was being hung out to dry almost. I didn't really respond to her because I want to give her my kind of response..which means I need to be with her. I'm not responding in a negative way at all. She might actually really like it, but in any case, it must wait til she comes here on Saturday. Good things already came from this, so I don't want to really complain about it...though she was really quiet today. I hardly heard from her at all.

So today my ex pissed me off. I haven't really been talking to her, but lately decided that I could be nice and talk to her a bit. Well, that didn't pay off. Her true colors came shining through once more and I decided that she can no longer be in my life whatsoever.

On the other hand...at the beginning of my shift at work today, I was told that a certain patient would not come out of her room and wouldn't talk with anyone. Naturally, I thought to myself "This is my specialty" and walked straight to her room..poked my head in and introduced myself with a gentle smile and hand on her shoulder. I kept checking in on her and finally asked her to walk around with me a bit..she hesitated, then stood up and walked with me. I got her to talk to me about her issues, her hobbies, and some hopes. Later I checked in on her again and gave her some words of encouragement..she asked when I was coming back and I told her not til Thursday. She looked at me with sad eyes, stood up and hugged me. We're not supposed to hug patients, but sometimes rules should be broken...

-------------

So..let's have a good day.
say lot's of hellos and how are you's
give lot's of hugs and smiles
send up some special prayers
and show your love.

There may be plenty on my mind
but I won't forget what's important

Be brave and kind Brian.

Update!

Good news! My brother's mother-in-law is home and stable. There are still alot of questions that haven't been answered for her, but she is at least doing well and home.

My aunt is in good spirits. She has surgery next Monday, but is in the mindset of "at least it'll all be over soon." God bless her.

My cousin John is married now and is on his way to Wildwood for their honeymoon. They seem to be really good for each other. They're always telling each other how much they love each other. They always do things together. They should have a really happy marriage.

Never before

I don't understand it..
at all.
But the only time I realize that I don't understand it is when I'm alone.
And even then, I don't really care that I don't understand it.

I've learned to trust God when He gives me feelings about things...whether it be people, situations, or anything else.
He saved my life once.
When we truly listen, He guides us through everything.

There is a thought..or series of thoughts..that has been running around my mind for the past day and a half.
Why don't I feel any reservations? No blocks? Nothing to prevent it?
But that has never happened before.

There's always been some kind of block..something to keep part of me separated.
Not this time.
It's been intoxicating me.
Putting me in a different world.
Making me see things in a different way.

It's making me breathe deeper.
Pray harder.
Listen more intently.
Relax more completely.

I look into the peaceful dark orbs before me..
I forget that anything else exists..
It's like I'm getting a glimpse of heaven..
They welcome me in..

I'm lost here..
But safe..
Somehow I know I'm safe..
And I let go..
I let my spirit flow more freely than it ever has before..
I can feel God smiling..
His smile shines through the orbs..
It warms my heart and caresses my soul.

Never before have I let myself be this open..this free..this happy

-----

Dear God,

Thank you for understanding me. For guiding me to this point. I don't always see my next step, but I always know that you'll show me when the time is right. This was a most unexpected step on my path, but it feels like it just might be one of the most amazing, exciting, and memorable steps you've ever given me. Thank you for the gift of RJR! I couldn't possibly thank you enough God. But I will try to show my appreciation through my actions with this step and everything else I encounter in my life. I promise I will be the best man I can possibly be..and then some. You will be reflected in all my actions.

Complications

I had decided that I didn't want to write much about relationships on here anymore, but it's what's on my mind right now.

I just had a conversation with someone who came into my life like a firestorm. I don't really know how I feel about it. Last night we spent alot of time being close and getting to know each other better..which was great! She does something to me that I can't describe. It's just one of those intangible things that draw you in to someone. I'm excited..and scared..of what the future holds for us. However, this morning our conversation made me worry that it won't get to play out.

She has been hurt in the past and is now so protective of herself that she won't take any chances anymore. I fear that she'll stop us from becoming whatever it is that we're meant to be..whether it be friends or something more.

Now I'm put on the defense and I'm worried about sharing everything I want to share with her. But do I play it safe (the very thing that upset me about her) or do I take the chance and possibly get hurt..but possibly end up with so much more?

I already know the answer...I decided it weeks ago when we first met. I will not live my life and wonder "what if" at the end of it. I'm taking the chance.

--------------

Now the wild card..

I don't know what I'm doing with Geena. She and I have distanced ourselves a bit over the past couple weeks, but I do still like her..just not like I used to. I don't know if she'll be ready for a guy like me for quite awhile. She's still figuring out who she is..the age difference between us may be too much. She likes to be spoiled (not in a bad way), but I can't do that right now. If she starts putting more effort into it, then I may turn back toward her, but right now she doesn't seem to care so I've been turned away from her..and unfortunately for her, someone else has entered my life and it's something more than anything I've felt before.

---------------

So what next?

I ride the wave. I wait for that connection to happen. I wait for someone's walls to come down and welcome me and everything I have to offer. At that point, I'll make sure she never regrets her decision..I'll make her the happiest woman in the world..I'll show her what a dedicated, loving, nurturing man I am.

Until then...I'll hold her hands and gaze in her eyes and lose myself.

News

Sometimes it takes awhile for a person's true colors to come through..
or maybe it just takes time to actually see the true colors.

I was shocked and insulted today by someone I truly care about. I don't know how to react, so for now, I'm not reacting.

-------------------------------------

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. The prognosis is good though. They caught it early and she should be fine.

On the other hand, my brother's mother-in-law is very sick. She's in the ICU now with a blood infection and her organs are failing. I'm not very close with her, but she is a very sweet lady, and Danielle (my sister in law) is very shaken up. I feel horrible for them and offered to help with anything..I guess that's all I can do.

So hopefully God hears our prayers for both of these women and leads them to recovery.

I'm feeling it again.
That sense of purpose..
The one that says I can do anything.
The one that brings out my creativity and motivation.
The one that ignores fear and knocks down walls.

No one can stop me.
Not even the women who drive me crazy.
I'm doing this.
Don't try to hold me back,
but please come along for the ride.

---------------------

I'm changing my website for my hypnosis and putting out ads. I'm going to see where it takes me.

I'm also ironing out some details on a couple of photography books I want to work on and get published.

---------------------

I spoke with a friend of mine today too. Someone very special to me, and someone I also rarely get to talk to anymore. I was so excited to talk to her! She's one of this world's most special people..and I'm blessed to call her my friend. Love you!

I've decided to take a chance with things. I'm going to start advertising for my hypnosis and Reiki practice and see where it takes me. I've wanted to do this for so long, but I always held myself back...

I suppose I was afraid of failing.
I still am, but fear isn't a reason to hold yourself back.
I know I'm good at what I do...I was asked to speak at a convention..I'd say that would mean I have a pretty good reputation as a hypnotist.

I'm also trying to distance my heart for awhile.
I already see the signs pointing toward a broken heart if I keep letting my heart go.
I'm not letting that happen this time.
If she wants me, she needs to prove it before I put my heart into it.

My heart has taken a serious beating in my life and I always offer it up for the next girl to start abusing it. Maybe it's time to protect my heart for a little while. I don't want to feel used anymore.

It's time I focus on me.
Not forever..
but for now.
It's time for me to take some long strides toward some goals.

Enough

Stress does not begin to describe it.
I cried today for the first time in a long time.
It was too much.
I need a new job.
I need to move.
I need to change.

Can I please begin a relationship with someone who will put as much effort into the relationship as I will?

I'm tired of being the only one who tries in relationships.
I deserve a woman who will show that she appreciates me.
A woman who will do nice things simply because she cares about me.
A woman who will hold me close to her.
A woman who will be honest and loyal.
A woman who brings out the best in me.
A woman who will simply love me...

Because I will do all those things for her.

Opening doors

Last night was a breath of fresh air.
I've been feeling closed in...forgotten.
But spending the evening with Jaz opened the doors for me again.
We had wine..good wine..and talked about life, love, heartbreak, sex, goals...you name it, we talked about it.

It was like being with a lifelong friend.
With the exception of Kelly, Ingrid and Nichelle, I have never been that comfortable with someone.
When we were out, people probably thought we were a couple because of how close we were..
but who cares?

Her free spirit was intoxicating me.
It made me want to live...really live.
Her hugs are amazing! She doesn't just hug..you feel her emotions when she hugs..I love her for that.

She was fascinated with my chivalry, especially with it not being a date.
But that's me.
I respect women far too much to just let chivalry die.
Maybe I am a rare kind of guy...

But whatever..I'm happy today. Thanks to her for making me feel special again.

Nothing

She no longer shows her interest.
Not the way she used to anyway.
Others want me..but I've been loyal...
why?

We're not together..
I take her out..
I buy her things..
I show her I care...
I get nothing.

Nothing

Another Jasmine

This is Jasmine
another Jasmine
another free spirit
she captured me

The shoot was great, but I think I found another lifelong friend.
Her energy was almost tangible.
I look forward to the future rendezvous.

My patience is growing thin

Patience I have..
but I feel like I've waited long enough.
I still have to treat her as if we're dating.
But without the title
without the kisses
without anything that comes with a relationship.

Now I have others who are interested in me.
I want to wait.
but I don't want to wait.
How am I supposed to choose?

Scared..

I know it's been awhile since I've written anything...again...but I'm falling asleep at my computer and somehow decided that now is a good time to write a blog. All I really want to mention is how scared I am.

This girl Geena came over last night and we spent the day together today. We've been seeing each other as often as we can..which is once a week, usually. She's young..20 actually. She's beautiful...very beautiful. She makes me feel like I'm capable of anything. She makes me a better man than I already am. She's shaping up to be a really great woman for me. We've been taking things slowly..which I think is good.

So why am I scared? Because I don't want another broken heart. I've been trying so hard to keep myself in check and not fall for this girl..but it's so hard. Everytime we're together I find myself slipping a little more. I'm afraid that I'm falling faster than she is.

If I were more awake..I'd write so much more..but my eyes are fighting with me.

Virtual to Reality

I haven't been writing much on my blog...perhaps due to me finding my way back into my journal I have in this "real" world. I'm not sure what makes me want to write more on paper than to type on my computer. Maybe it's just because I can look at my journal and actually see the mood I was in by the intensity of my handwriting..maybe it looks more like a bit of me I'm leaving behind everyday..I don't know.

I've been struggling with several things this year and I try so hard not to think "what next?" but I find those words entering my thoughts from time to time. My always positive attitude has diminished to a vaguely coherent side show during the past several months and I'm worried about how to get that attitude back to forefront of my life.

I need a career change...I need to let go of my ex-girlfriend (we're friends now)..not that I want to date her anymore, but I've been trying to help her through a hard part of her life and she is completely draining me of all the energy I have left. I don't think she even realizes how much trouble I'm having in my own life.

But then I think.."If I died tomorrow and I didn't do everything I could to help someone I loved, would I be happy..or would I regret not helping?" I want people to remember me as someone who sacrificed anything to help people. I want to know I left this world a better place when my time comes to move on.

Help me find my way again. There's much I need to do in this lifetime..I need to find my way to the path that leads me there...out of this dark, overgrown forest.

Farewell

I am a single man again. I think that's a good thing. I really did like the girl I was seeing, but I deserve to be treated much better than how she treated me. So even though it stung at first to leave her, I'm already beginning to feel more free and clear than I've felt in awhile.

There is another girl who I have been out with a couple of times before I started seeing Dominique, but I'm definitely taking things slow with her. I don't really know her too well yet, and she's much younger than me...but we'll see how things go. I just want to enjoy being myself for now.

Catching myself

This has been one of the hardest years of my life so far. I've been dealing with more stress than I can remember..and it's only March. My attitude has, thankfully, switched from the "why is this happening" attitude to a much healthier one.

Most of the stress has been the kind of stuff you can't really do anything about (death, illnesses and accidents) but the one source of stress that I can do something about is with the girl I've been seeing. Yes, she's great when she wants to be..the problem is she hasn't been treating me very well. I've been blowing it off and saying to myself that it's only because she's going through so much right now, but I'm starting to wonder if that's true.

I'm not going to leave her just yet. I want to see how this all plays out over the next few weeks (maybe months) before I make that kind of decision.

I am happy with how I was able to change my outlook though. I was starting to walk down a very dark path..one I've been down before and almost didn't make it out. This time I caught myself early though. I picked myself up and changed direction. I'm still working on getting my motivation back, but at least I have the right attitude to find it now.

I need a break

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of the year so far, and it has been an extremely stressful year.

It culminated Friday night with me being taken to the hospital from work for lightheadedness and discomfort in my neck and shoulders that was coming and going much of the day. Around dinner time I felt so strange that I knew something was wrong. The nurses I work with took my blood pressure and it was really high (and I normally run low). They called the doctor over and they all made me go to the hospital to get checked out.

The ER ran all their tests and didn't find anything wrong so the doctor told me that it was more than likely my body reacting to stress. He also told me it would be a good idea to try and stay away from some of the people who bring the most stress to me...yeah, that'd be nice.


My body was shutting down
It was telling me to take a break
I don't know what to do now
I wish I could just take a few weeks and leave.

A small tribute to Jazmine

I've worked with many outstanding models, but Jazmine brought an energy with her that was truly inspiring. We spent an entire day shooting, in the studio and then out in the mountains on a chilly, rainy day.

The beauty she portrays in her images goes beyond the physical. I could feel the freedom and joy emanating from her whether we were shooting or not. You can't help but love this woman when you meet her. She opens your mind and heart to things you haven't seen or noticed before. By doing that, she makes everyone around her better than they thought they were.

I was only able to spend time with her for two days before she returned to the west coast, but she is one person in this world who has touched my soul. Everyone who knows her, I'm sure, would agree on that.

It's so uplifting to know that people like Jazmine are in this world. Her beauty, both physical and inner, are what make this world such a great place to live.

Thank you Jazmine...for modeling for me and becoming a friend along the way.

Your hold is released

For over a year your hold on me has been unbelievable. I wanted you and no one else. Even when I went on a date to try to let go of you..no one was able to make me stop thinking about you.

I saw a future for us that could've been great, but the distance you kept yourself at stopped that future before it started. I still wanted to be with you..and at some level, you wanted to be with me.

I started putting all my effort into letting go of this feeling...going on more dates, meeting more people...but I still knew that even if I found someone great and began a relationship with her, and you came up to me with all your strength and beauty, I would throw myself in your arms and become the cheater I never was before.

No one compared to you. Then I met someone else. We spent time together. We went on our first date. This time it was different. I forgot all about you. Not once during all the time we spent together did I think about you....

Then we shared our first kiss. A kiss that for the first time in a long time I had no one in my mind besides the person I was kissing. Her alone.

Now, as I sit here writing this, I can honestly say that I'm moving on. I suppose I'm a little sad about it in a way. After all, I did see us as a great match. Is it temporary? Only time will tell. I'm walking this road, and wherever it takes me.

Devin Weiss 7/22/73 - 1/7/10

His viewing was last night. My family and I all kept our composure fairly well for it. He was young, and it was so unexpected...I was surprised I didn't see more tears.

Today was his funeral...my family was a wreck. People I've never seen cry were crying hysterically. I heard my aunt (his mother) stuttering through her tears, "if I could change places with him, I would..." Her face was red and stained with rivers of tears. It was hard. We will all miss you Devin.



Naturally it made me think of my own mortality. Are there things I haven't said that I'd like to say? Definitely.

Maybe this blog will help me say those things before it's too late...

An argument

A few days ago, I had an argument. It doesn't happen often, but with some subjects I'm definitely going to stand my ground.

Who it was with, and how it came up don't matter.

I've been seeing a girl...nothing serious yet, but it's definitely heading that way. She's black. I'm white. Should that matter? Not to me, but apparently there are still people who think that it's not right to date outside your race.

I asked the person I had the argument with if they would rather me date a white girl who treats me like shit, or a black girl who treats me with love and respect.

...No response...and I walk away.

Decisions

I hate making decisions.

That doesn't make sense when you look at my philosophy about life...I always believed that whatever we've chosen in the past is exactly what needed to be done in order to bring us to where we're going.

Our decisions, the good and the bad, lead us to where we need to be.

The trouble is I have problems letting the future happen as it will. I see a future that I want and I want to make the right decisions to get there.

For instance, I believe very shortly (next few weeks) I'll need to decide between three different choices. My mind and my heart are telling me very different things. Which do I follow?

Stonehenge

It was such a strange feeling being there. It just felt different. Maybe because I do Reiki and other energy practices, but I could definitely feel a big difference in the energy that surrounded Stonehenge.

I liked it. It made me feel connected to things I couldn't see or understand. I knew I was missing something in this world...but at the same time I wasn't. It's all around us if we take the time to notice.

I remember doing an energy session with this lady. I was still fairly new to it, but I could easily feel fluctuations in people's energy. As I scanned her body and felt for changes, I felt this cold push on my hands when I was above her abdomen. With that cold push, I also felt this huge disappointment...like I was completely let down..but I felt it like a child.

After the session I talked to her about this and when I described the emotions I felt, she began to cry. She said I was right, and that she has been holding it in her whole life. She explained what it was and the story fit exactly how I felt. I wanted to tell her that was all, but I felt like something else was there...something more physical. So I told her my thoughts and that maybe going to a doctor for a checkup would be a good idea.

A few weeks later I received a call from her telling me that she had gone to the doctor and had her checkup. She had ovarian cysts. I didn't want anything like that for her, but at the same time it gave me peace in knowing that I have learned to interpret energy.

It's my gift. I like it. I want to explore it more. There must be more.

What am I doing?

Why would I write my thoughts on the internet where anyone can read them? I value my privacy so much...why would I do this?

Will I really be honest about what I write if I think someone I know will read them? Do I care?

I have no goals in writing a blog. It's absolutely whatever random thought happens to be on my mind when I'm at my desk writing.

However, I do promise myself to be honest. If someone reads a post and sees that it's about them, then so be it. I'm not hiding anything here. Besides, how can you ever be mad at someone for having thoughts? What I do with these thoughts is a different story, but while they are only thoughts written in some random place in this digital world...no one can judge them as wrong. We may disagree, but neither of us will be wrong.

Hmm...maybe I'll post some of my photography here as well. Just randomly pick a shot that I happen to like and post it...maybe tell a little story about how it came to be..maybe just put it up with no explanation.

We'll see where this goes...