I had decided that I didn't want to write much about relationships on here anymore, but it's what's on my mind right now.
I just had a conversation with someone who came into my life like a firestorm. I don't really know how I feel about it. Last night we spent alot of time being close and getting to know each other better..which was great! She does something to me that I can't describe. It's just one of those intangible things that draw you in to someone. I'm excited..and scared..of what the future holds for us. However, this morning our conversation made me worry that it won't get to play out.
She has been hurt in the past and is now so protective of herself that she won't take any chances anymore. I fear that she'll stop us from becoming whatever it is that we're meant to be..whether it be friends or something more.
Now I'm put on the defense and I'm worried about sharing everything I want to share with her. But do I play it safe (the very thing that upset me about her) or do I take the chance and possibly get hurt..but possibly end up with so much more?
I already know the answer...I decided it weeks ago when we first met. I will not live my life and wonder "what if" at the end of it. I'm taking the chance.
Now the wild card..
I don't know what I'm doing with Geena. She and I have distanced ourselves a bit over the past couple weeks, but I do still like her..just not like I used to. I don't know if she'll be ready for a guy like me for quite awhile. She's still figuring out who she is..the age difference between us may be too much. She likes to be spoiled (not in a bad way), but I can't do that right now. If she starts putting more effort into it, then I may turn back toward her, but right now she doesn't seem to care so I've been turned away from her..and unfortunately for her, someone else has entered my life and it's something more than anything I've felt before.
So what next?
I ride the wave. I wait for that connection to happen. I wait for someone's walls to come down and welcome me and everything I have to offer. At that point, I'll make sure she never regrets her decision..I'll make her the happiest woman in the world..I'll show her what a dedicated, loving, nurturing man I am.
Until then...I'll hold her hands and gaze in her eyes and lose myself.