Christmas...

I'm trying so hard to be happy for Christmas.
This is a time of year when I'm usually bursting
with love, energy, and happiness.
This year I feel very little of any of it.

I know it's there.
I just can't feel it.
Which is so frustrating.
I just wish I could curl up and sleep..
Preferably with someone's arms around me..
Or my arms around them.

I haven't felt this alone in years.
Why has it been hitting me lately?
I sometimes wish I was more like other guys.
So I could just go have sex with someone and be ok.
But I'm not like other guys.

So back to Christmas.
I need to be thankful for what I have.
I'll try to focus on all of that.
I'll try to hold Jesus close to my heart.
I'll try to remember the promise I made..
and the sacrafice I offered..
and the reason.

Held back

I want to accept this woman.
I've never had someone this into me.
It feels good.
She's probably a good match for me too.

But I hold myself back.

I'm not finished walking another path.
There are still things to be found here.
Places to explore.

The right direction

Somebody new came in my life recently.
She's very interested in me
and she's made that clear.
We're probably a pretty good match too.
She's very smart..
A med student actually.
Seems like someone I should take a chance on.

But there are others I'm interested in still.
One is mutual,
but the likelihood of it working is slim.
We do enjoy each other's company though.

One I have incredible chemistry with,
but she won't let go and explore it with me.
Part of her wants to, I feel it,
but her past prevents her from doing it.

One is perhaps just a foolish move,
but I feel young with her.
We have fun, and we keep the other smiling.
We already know it won't work,
but it's still a nice escape now and then.

One is my past.
A temptation I must resist.
But she knows how to seduce me.
She knows my weaknesses.

So as I'm pulled in all these directions
My options keep growing
Though most I ignore
Some stay on my radar.

I can let go of the ones I must,
but my desire to know more is overwhelming.
Could I be wrong? Of course.
Could I be right? Yes.

I want to be unleashed upon
to feel the storm's fury.
It may simply wash away debri.
Or it may uncover new treasure.

So as I sit upon this mountain...
contemplating my choices...
hoping for a hand...
I smile, knowing that the path I take
Will lead me to where I need to be.

Warmth

Today..
I pushed the curtains aside
And felt the warmth of the sun
Fall upon my body
Like it was the first time

The intensity forced my eyes to close
And my breath to deepen
My mind was silenced
My soul was opened

A dance has begun
Between my spirit and the sun
Moving as one
They lit the world around them

Like birds in flight
Moving with the wind
An elegant ribbon
High in the air

One more breath
Is all I can take
I exhale slowly
And fall back to earth

The chill of winter
Now melted away
The memory of this moment
Is all the warmth I need

My conflict

It's one of those days today
When I seem angry or sad about everything
I don't know what it is
Maybe it's the rain
Or the frustrations I have
Or maybe that I feel overlooked...
Ignored..

I usually don't care if I'm overlooked
But sometimes
It hits me harder than it should

I want to be alone today
But I want the company of certain people
But I don't
I need to be close with someone today
Without having to feel obligated to be close

If I were more physically expressive..
I'd be crying right now
I feel it in me
It wants to come out
I'm torn

Even a call from someone I love dearly
Did nothing to lift me up
I wish I could go hide somewhere
And if anyone found me
I would hold them close to me
And let it all out

But I can't hide
I have to help heal others
I have to create a veil of happiness
So these people can be lifted just a little
The burden I carry is heavy sometimes
And I fear the loneliness that comes with it

I'll get through today
Hardly anyone will see my conflict
I have a gift for masking it
But some know me too well
They will be reassured
And I'll move on.

Perhaps one day I will receive
The closeness I crave
Even if it's merely a moment
Cause at least then
I will have felt the energy
Of two dynamic souls
In the dance of passion and life.

My dear friend, Nichelle

I've been thinking about Nichelle a lot lately.
I wish she wasn't such a busy person
Cause I could really use her energy around me right now.
She was always able to reach me on another level.
Not with the things she would say
But simply by being in her presence.

Sometimes we'll go awhile without talking much,
But it never matters when we do decide to pick it back up.
It's always felt natural with Nichelle.
Nothing seems to shake our friendship.

She challenges me intellectually..
Something that very few people do.
She can make my mind go places
And discover things
That were unattainable beforehand.

I love her dearly
We shared a lot over the years
And we always seem to find more to share.
A truly wonderful and amazing friendship.

Love you, Nichelle!

Better

So far, today is better.
I went to bed late last night
But slept well and long
I heard my phone beeping this morning
But ignored it
Until I heard the sunshine.

I smiled to myself
And rolled over to reach for my phone
The voice on the other end
Was one that nearly always makes me smile

Then I read the messages I ignored.
I smiled more.
I feel loved today.
Some of my friends truly know
What it is to be a friend.

There are days, like yesterday
When I feel more love from my patients
Than I do from my friends and family.
But it's not a bad thing...
I don't expect my friends
To always give me attention and love

Today...
I'm happy.
I look to the future
And see good things coming my way.

I feel changes coming.
This is good.

A negative night

I have no idea why I'm writing tonight.
There's nothing specific I have any desire to write about.
I'm in a horrible mood..
I just don't feel like faking happiness anymore today.

I wish I could just write about this past Sunday
But if I decide to write about that
I need to do it justice
Which I can't do tonight

I could sit here and rant
About all the stuff I had to put up with today..
Or complain about friends
Not acting like friends.
But that will do no good tonight.

It's just one of those nights
When all that can be done
Is sleep and hope
That when I wake up
I'll wake up with a smile.

We'll see...

Late night rambling

I lost my way today
Though I'm starting to see more clearly
It was a really hard day
Disappointment and aggravation smothered me.

I couldn't shake my mood at all
Didn't even want to call Jasmine or Ingrid or Kelly
I don't like people seeing this side of me
Which, I suppose, is why I'm here writing
And hoping this will be enough to erase these feelings.

As I sit here on my floor writing
I received some messages
From two women from my (not so distant) past
They both make me happy

I'm glad they still talk to me
Cause I think I hurt them both a bit
When I told them I started dating someone else
All those months ago
...A poor decision indeed.

Live and learn, Brian
Experience all aspects
And you'll fulfill your life
And leave no questions

Hmm..."leave no questions"
That gives me an idea for another post..
But not tonight...I need more than four hours sleep tonight