Awaken

My mind is returning to me
As I laid on the ground tonight
And gazed at the stars
Something washed over me
And gave me my peace.

For over a week
My mind was running free
Landing in one place
And jumping to another

Like watching the leaves
Fall from a tree
I was watching my thoughts
Fall from my mind

Chaotically beautiful
It's all I could watch
Now that it's over
It's time to clean up

Not long ago
These thoughts were out of my reach
Now on the ground
Their mine to pick up

Beautiful colors
Beautiful shapes
Some fell together
But all are unique

Some have been damaged
By storms of the past
It no longer matters
'Cause they're within my grasp

Just as the trees
My mind now has room
The reason for the fall
Is for new life to bloom

The harvesting is done
I've reaped what I sowed
I find comfort for the winter
So in the spring I awaken

Lessons

He gave me darkness so I would learn to feel.
I will trust my inner guide.

He gave me betrayal so I would learn to forgive.
I will let go.

He gave me death so I would learn to live.
I will live my life fully.

He gave me loneliness so I would find myself.
I will always be true to who I am.

He gave me pain so I would learn to heal.
I will help others at all times.

He gave me fear so I would learn to be brave.
I will take chances.


Thank you for giving me these lessons.
You have sculpted me into a great man.
I will bring passion back into my life now.
I will embrace others and let them know me.
If at some point You give me the blessing of a family,
I will care for them as You have cared for me.

More life

So I've been rather isolated today.
I haven't talked to anyone.
I returned no messages.
I'm not in a bad mood though.
Just in a place where I need less distractions.

Now as I say that
I'm hanging up the phone.
I was talking to someone truly special to me.
I needed that phone call.
And she is one of only about three people I would've answered for right now.

I feel more myself now.
Not entirely, but more-so.
But I'm still ironing myself out.
Maybe it's time for me to start pulling myself back together.

Like my blog title suggests..
I'm like a nebula...
A bunch of random particles and thoughts
Until something pulls it all together..
To create a brilliant star.

So maybe it's time.
I'll let that idea sit for a day or so.
Then perhaps I'll reel myself in
And jump back on my path.

Getting crazier

I wanted to be creative tonight
I wanted to do something special
But my mind is in overdrive
It won't stop tonight.

This is starting to get to me.
I'm not sleeping much.
My mind is starting to make me hurt.
It's playing games with me.
I don't like it tonight.

It's jumping from one thing to the next
But tonight it's negative
Even the things that make me happy
Like certain people, or things I have planned,
Even those are being warped into something negative.

A mind like this is dangerous
But something is still telling me to let it go
It's leading me somewhere
Or so I'm told.

Just get there quick
Cause I can't take much more.
It's effecting my body and emotions
And soon it'll effect the ones I love.

I can't have that.
Just take me where I need to go
So I can give my mind a rest


I could really use someone next to me right now
Maybe I'll get a random text to distract my mind
Maybe I'll get set on the right path tomorrow

I need to be touched..
and I need to touch..
Something inside me is burning
And I'm just watching it burn.

Unfinished business

As my mind continues to wander
It stumbled upon death.
Difficult questions arose
Difficult answers were glimpsed.

Am I happy with my life?
Yes...and a big no.
I'm proud of who I am
But there's still so much to say
And so much to do.

Does everyone really know
How much I love them?
Did I show it enough?
Did I say it enough?
Did I say it at all?

Did I hear what others had to say?
Did I hold them close to my heart?
Did I help them in some odd way?
Or did I miss my chance to do all this
And make a difference in their life?

There are things I must do
There are things I must say

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I need to rewrite my letters.
There's a lot I need to add to several people's letters.
Maybe it's strange that I have these letters.
But it's all I can do right now to make sure certain people in my life know how I truly feel about them and the relationship we shared.
I'll work on that this week.

A chaotic mind - and My Love

My eyes are screaming
My head is aching
I want to sleep
But my mind can't rest.

It's been roaming aimlessly
From relationships to money
To careers to apartments
It's not focused.

So I write
And hope for some clarity
Though so far
It's just more of the same.

My mind works wonders
When I'm able to focus it
It's been hard to do
For several months now.

I know how to fix it
But why don't I do it?
It's like I want to fall on my face
Just to show I can get up.

But I want to move forward
That time has come
Now to find the motivation
From within...not without.


-------------------------------------


My Love

It's been a long time
Since I've shared my love.
I have a lot to give
Just no place to put it.

I've seen glimmers of hope
That last a small while
But even then
I knew it'd never last.

I'm a nice guy
And we finish last.
I'm every woman's wish,
But no woman's desire.

I remember a vow
I made to God
Many years ago
In a very dark hour.

I told Him I'd stay single
For my entire life
So I can finish my promise
If that's what He wanted.

Though I meant what I said
I thought He'd still give me
A woman to walk with
And share our love.

I can't be angry
I can't be sad
I'll just keep working
On the promise I made.

My love will be felt
In the work that I do
And I'll be rewarded
When I return home.

Ow...

What is about saying things aloud that makes them more emotionally charged?

I came to a realization the other day and it didn't bother me in the least..
or at least it seemed that way.
Tonight I shared this realization,
these feelings,
with the person they involved.

Was it something about actually hearing the words?
"I don't have any expectations anymore"
Why did it bother me when I heard my voice saying those words?
I guess saying it made it real.

We're friends.
Just friends.
She'll be a truly wonderful friend though.
And I'll be as true a friend as I possibly can be.

I guess I wanted more.
The potential I felt was immense.
But potential is just that...
Potential.

I suppose it can still happen
but not now
I doubt it would be anytime soon either.
So I must move on.

I'm the nice guy..
The best friend..
As always.
Let's not make it a bad thing though.

Reconnect

I felt His presence with me tonight.
On my ride home,
my mind wandered from work to life to relationships.
I was feeling a little confused.
I took a deep breath
and an energy swelled within me.
He let me know that He's always with me.

I think I've allowed myself to get too caught up in the physical world lately.
I've neglected my spiritual self.
That wasn't a nice realization.
I apologized to God..and to myself.
I didn't mean to lose touch.
Perhaps that's why I've been feeling stuck lately.
I need to reconnect.

Then maybe I can move forward.
Maybe I can feel free again.
Maybe I'll see my path.
First things first..
Reconnect my spirituality.
Then the rest will be clear.

Balance

I believe I've been knocked off balance recently.
I think it's important for that to happen from time to time..
that way you keep yourself in good practice for when things really go awry.

This time it was a pleasant swing.
One that let me peak around the corners of my life
and see what I couldn't see before.

The best part of being knocked off your center...
is that when you try to find it again..
you realize your center has moved slightly.

It's kind of like a soap bubble floating in the air.
As it changes shape because of outside influences,
its center fluctuates with the gentle flow of the walls.

So in life, we must adapt to the ever-changing walls around us.
Focus on the elusive center
And welcome that challenge.

--------------------------------------

I have come to a crossroads in my life...
several of them, actually.
One in my career.
One in romance/love.
One in my finances.
One in my creative outlets...
The list could probably go on.

So what does this mean for me?
Changes are coming.
Some I have to deal with soon.
Others I have the luxury of waiting a little while to decide.

But, as always, I will be guided by God and His gentle ways.
I just have to remember to keep my mind quiet
so I can hear the soft whispers
and understand my steps.

Frustration of Choices

Frustration has set in..
It's my own fault.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't do too much,
But I can't do too little.

How do I balance it?
How do I go forward
When I'm pushed back?
Do I stop?

------------------------------------------

There's a direction I want to go.
A direction I feel is the right one.
Now as if someone announced that to the world,
I'm being pulled in other directions.

One feels more natural than anything I've ever experienced.
But I step that direction and an obstacle stops me from going further.
One feels like it just knows I'm looking another direction
And wants to prove that it's a beautiful and comfortable path.
One tempts me with an exotic mystery
But I need more than mystery to entice me now.

So...now what?
I'm beginning to feel lost here.
I need a nudge
From someone..
From God..
Anyone.

Opportunities

I had a discussion with a great friend of mine last night.
It was a much needed heart to heart.
Some deep feelings were discussed.
And some deep fears were shared.

We spoke of friendship
and love
and life with all its twists and turns.
And we spoke of fears.

I told her about something I've been fearing lately.
She understood the fear.
She asked what I was going to do about it.
..I don't know.

I explained how it seemed God was sending things my way to remind me about this fear.
Then a deep question arose.
Is He sending you reminders about that fear?
Or is He giving you the opportunity to overcome that fear?

Ah...then I remembered something taught to me in church growing up.
God doesn't test us,
He doesn't warn us,
He doesn't try to scare us,
He doesn't wait for us to be ready...

What He does is gives us the opportunities
to prove to ourselves that we can do it,
to keep ourselves open to new things,
to overcome our fears,
to show us that we are indeed ready.

So the next time I find myself asking
"God, why are you doing this to me?"
I will remember that He is not "doing something to me"
He is giving me an opportunity..
And I will take the opportunity gracefully.

Don't Move...

I stood by the water, ready to leave my sacred space
And follow my path through the forest.

"Don't move..."

Something inside me fluttered.
I stood...transfixed..
My world was going blank..
My senses were failing me.
My eyes closed..I could no longer see.
My body froze..I could no longer feel.
My mouth went dry..I could no longer taste.
The forest went silent..I could hear nothing.
I stopped breathing..I could no longer smell.

Then a warm island breeze brushed my face.
It began to thaw the forgotten corners of my heart.
The intoxicating aroma of Autumn Jasmine enticed me to breathe again.
And it reminded me what it is to live.
The soft petals whispered across my lips
Leaving behind the sweetest nectar for me to taste.
The birds were singing again, the waves splashing peacefully.
A celebration of all of life's joys around me.
Finally, I opened my eyes...
And saw my beautiful sunrise.

My senses were reborn...

The reigns

At some point last night
my mood shifted to a different side of me.
I felt like doing something crazy.
I felt like taking a chance.
And I also felt very sexual.

Though we all know I'm not the kind of guy
who looks for a hookup...
The thought crossed my mind.
There are certainly plenty of women I know
who would have no reservations if I wanted to have some fun with them.
But I came right home after work.

If I had a girlfriend,
she would've had one hell of a night.
Not just sexually..
I would've made it a night to remember...
even on short notice.

Alas..I am alone.
Not that it's a bad thing.
I don't want to jump in too fast with anyone.
I must keep my bearings.
I must stay level headed.
I must not lose my heart before there's a place to put it.

My heart is battered and bruised
But it is still stronger than most..
and braver than most.
Which is why I must keep the reigns on my heart..
otherwise, he just may be a little wreckless.

So I continue to walk my path..
enjoy my surroundings..
and the people I meet..
and the people who walk with me.

If I Die Young

This song puts me in a trance..
It makes me want to...
To hold the people I love.

So if I were to die..are there things left unsaid?
Yes..

What do I do about that?
Do I go around saying those things to the people I want to say them to?
I want to...

Are there things I would've wanted to do before I died?
Oh yes..

What do I do about that?
Trust in God...
Listen to my heart...
Believe in love...
Enjoy my life...
Embrace my friends...
and live.

It's nearly 3:30am

I can't sleep...
not sure why
...maybe I do know...
but I'm not guessing.
I just want warmth..
in my heart.

Limbo

The past couple days have had so many ups and downs..overall, just weird days.
My imagination has been running rampant
The people around me are all being crazy or weird as well
The weather has been dreary
Just not the best couple of days.

Let's start things off with the negative so that we can end on a good note...
I got an email from my new friend that just left me feeling like I was being hung out to dry almost. I didn't really respond to her because I want to give her my kind of response..which means I need to be with her. I'm not responding in a negative way at all. She might actually really like it, but in any case, it must wait til she comes here on Saturday. Good things already came from this, so I don't want to really complain about it...though she was really quiet today. I hardly heard from her at all.

So today my ex pissed me off. I haven't really been talking to her, but lately decided that I could be nice and talk to her a bit. Well, that didn't pay off. Her true colors came shining through once more and I decided that she can no longer be in my life whatsoever.

On the other hand...at the beginning of my shift at work today, I was told that a certain patient would not come out of her room and wouldn't talk with anyone. Naturally, I thought to myself "This is my specialty" and walked straight to her room..poked my head in and introduced myself with a gentle smile and hand on her shoulder. I kept checking in on her and finally asked her to walk around with me a bit..she hesitated, then stood up and walked with me. I got her to talk to me about her issues, her hobbies, and some hopes. Later I checked in on her again and gave her some words of encouragement..she asked when I was coming back and I told her not til Thursday. She looked at me with sad eyes, stood up and hugged me. We're not supposed to hug patients, but sometimes rules should be broken...

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So..let's have a good day.
say lot's of hellos and how are you's
give lot's of hugs and smiles
send up some special prayers
and show your love.

There may be plenty on my mind
but I won't forget what's important

Be brave and kind Brian.

Update!

Good news! My brother's mother-in-law is home and stable. There are still alot of questions that haven't been answered for her, but she is at least doing well and home.

My aunt is in good spirits. She has surgery next Monday, but is in the mindset of "at least it'll all be over soon." God bless her.

My cousin John is married now and is on his way to Wildwood for their honeymoon. They seem to be really good for each other. They're always telling each other how much they love each other. They always do things together. They should have a really happy marriage.

Never before

I don't understand it..
at all.
But the only time I realize that I don't understand it is when I'm alone.
And even then, I don't really care that I don't understand it.

I've learned to trust God when He gives me feelings about things...whether it be people, situations, or anything else.
He saved my life once.
When we truly listen, He guides us through everything.

There is a thought..or series of thoughts..that has been running around my mind for the past day and a half.
Why don't I feel any reservations? No blocks? Nothing to prevent it?
But that has never happened before.

There's always been some kind of block..something to keep part of me separated.
Not this time.
It's been intoxicating me.
Putting me in a different world.
Making me see things in a different way.

It's making me breathe deeper.
Pray harder.
Listen more intently.
Relax more completely.

I look into the peaceful dark orbs before me..
I forget that anything else exists..
It's like I'm getting a glimpse of heaven..
They welcome me in..

I'm lost here..
But safe..
Somehow I know I'm safe..
And I let go..
I let my spirit flow more freely than it ever has before..
I can feel God smiling..
His smile shines through the orbs..
It warms my heart and caresses my soul.

Never before have I let myself be this open..this free..this happy

-----

Dear God,

Thank you for understanding me. For guiding me to this point. I don't always see my next step, but I always know that you'll show me when the time is right. This was a most unexpected step on my path, but it feels like it just might be one of the most amazing, exciting, and memorable steps you've ever given me. Thank you for the gift of RJR! I couldn't possibly thank you enough God. But I will try to show my appreciation through my actions with this step and everything else I encounter in my life. I promise I will be the best man I can possibly be..and then some. You will be reflected in all my actions.

Complications

I had decided that I didn't want to write much about relationships on here anymore, but it's what's on my mind right now.

I just had a conversation with someone who came into my life like a firestorm. I don't really know how I feel about it. Last night we spent alot of time being close and getting to know each other better..which was great! She does something to me that I can't describe. It's just one of those intangible things that draw you in to someone. I'm excited..and scared..of what the future holds for us. However, this morning our conversation made me worry that it won't get to play out.

She has been hurt in the past and is now so protective of herself that she won't take any chances anymore. I fear that she'll stop us from becoming whatever it is that we're meant to be..whether it be friends or something more.

Now I'm put on the defense and I'm worried about sharing everything I want to share with her. But do I play it safe (the very thing that upset me about her) or do I take the chance and possibly get hurt..but possibly end up with so much more?

I already know the answer...I decided it weeks ago when we first met. I will not live my life and wonder "what if" at the end of it. I'm taking the chance.

--------------

Now the wild card..

I don't know what I'm doing with Geena. She and I have distanced ourselves a bit over the past couple weeks, but I do still like her..just not like I used to. I don't know if she'll be ready for a guy like me for quite awhile. She's still figuring out who she is..the age difference between us may be too much. She likes to be spoiled (not in a bad way), but I can't do that right now. If she starts putting more effort into it, then I may turn back toward her, but right now she doesn't seem to care so I've been turned away from her..and unfortunately for her, someone else has entered my life and it's something more than anything I've felt before.

---------------

So what next?

I ride the wave. I wait for that connection to happen. I wait for someone's walls to come down and welcome me and everything I have to offer. At that point, I'll make sure she never regrets her decision..I'll make her the happiest woman in the world..I'll show her what a dedicated, loving, nurturing man I am.

Until then...I'll hold her hands and gaze in her eyes and lose myself.