The Only One

Within the mix at a family party
I gazed around and easily realized
I am the odd man out now
I'm the only one
Standing alone.

It makes me sad sometimes
I'm a good guy
Who would make a woman
Extremely happy.
I'm loyal
I'm kind
I'm passionate
I'm intelligent
I'm confident
And I'll be an amazing father...
Still...
  I'm the only one
  Standing alone.

Island of Paradise

I used to see a light in your eyes
When you looked at me.
Though your eyes may still be bright
The light that I sparked is gone.

We were never more than friends
    When seen through your eyes.
Perhaps you were right to believe that
    Maybe that's all we ever were.

A future together may have been hard
Or it could've been amazing
We're at the point now
That we'll never find out.

That ship has sailed
We were marooned on that island.
It may not be what I wanted
But it's where I was left.

I can signal for the ship
And wear a disguise,
Or I can turn this piece of land
Into an island of paradise.

Emotionless

People ask me
How I keep so level headed
When it comes to my emotions.

Then I wonder how I can't.

There are times in my life
When I allow myself to get excited
To acknowledge the deep emotions
To express them and show them..

Then with rare exceptions
I have it taken from me
And I feel a hurt deeper
Than anyone understands.

I keep level headed
To protect myself.
Because it seems my emotions
Run far deeper
Than the average person.

So many people think
I don't feel those emotions.

But that's so far from the truth.

I feel too much
Too deeply.

Knowing that about myself
I continually keep my emotions in check
So I can experience life to its fullest.

Rising star

The past few months
Have been extremely difficult
I was dropped into a darkness
That left me weak and tired

Then a couple weeks ago
A new star rose above the horizon
Guiding me to a warmer place
And a better future

I'll follow this light
Out of the dark
Into a new world
Of promise and life.

Are you there?

I have become a burden
Not only to myself
But to my friends and family
It's one of the most horrible feelings

I have trouble holding back tears
They're constantly just beneath the surface
Waiting..and burning
It hurts

My bad days have dominated
My good days are harder to hold on to
I pray for guidance
I see darkness

I'm trying to break it
I'm trying hard
I won't give up
Not this time

It's taking a toll on me
I'm isolating myself
I know I shouldn't
But my strength has diminished.

....God...are you there?

Drifting

He had no idea
How he got there
Alone on a raft
No land in sight

He could hear no voices
See no sun
He could feel no wind
Sense no direction

A box floats toward him
He fishes it out
Inside he finds a message
Clearly written to him

It tells him of an island
He is destined to find
There he'll be happy
There he'll be loved

Drifting on open water
With nothing but faith
Wishing for a current
To speed him on his way

Looking to the horizon
He finally sees land
But the waters are against him
They're pulling him away

That was the land
The one in the message
The distance is growing
Soon it'll no longer be seen

Does he trust in the message
Does he follow the current
A voice in the wind
Urges his decision

He jumps in the water
Risking his life
He swims with all his might
The water fights him back

He looks toward the land
He knows that's the place
He swims even harder
Courage burning inside

He may not make it
But he knows he has to try
Pushing his soul to its limits
The water seems to swallow him

Giving in to the pain
He accepts that he's drowning
He closes his eyes
And blackness engulfs him

Suddenly it's calm
He feels warmth again
Opening his eyes
He's blinded by light

As he looks to his right
Just below the sun
A silhouette of a woman
Approaches him with love

Traveling On

I have been walking down
A self destructive path
Fueled by the fire of others

I caught myself
I saw where I was heading
Now, I believe
I corrected my direction

I still feel the hurt and anger
That reached deep within me
But I'm repairing that now

I miss my conversations with God
Those moments set aside every night
To quiet my mind
Quiet my soul
And listen to the silence

I hardly remember the last time
I silenced myself to that point
But I need to do it again
And often

I was upset with God
I felt betrayed
I felt lied to
Or maybe that He gave me
A destination I cannot reach

I guess I still feel that way
I still believe in it
I'm just prevented from proving it

I'll repair the wounds
And get my bearings
Then travel on

Last Day on Earth - Kate Miller-Heidke

Tonight's obsession...
Her voice dug into my soul
The song inspired a scene in my book

I really have to finish that book...
There's so much creativity in it
So much of my life
So many of the people I love
One day...

The Horizon's Paradise

I look to the horizon

And see an incredible sight

The colors are magic

It's magnetic

It pulls me

It draws me in

It lights a fire in me

Standing at the edge of a canyon

I'm unable to travel toward it

Just a distant paradise

A dreamer's dream

But I still feel its warmth

Even at such a distance

I travel the edge of the canyon

To another horizon

One I don't see

A slim hope for such a paradise

Unless a bridge is built

From the other side

I must travel toward the unknown

Resignation

So I resigned from my job today
I really had little choice
But I'm sure I'll find my way

I wish I could just do this photography full time now
But we don't have the equipment yet
Soon though...soon

My life feels like it's in the midst of a storm
I'm being blown through the chaos
Just trying to find my footing

From time to time
I'll lose hope
But I've been able to fight back

It's been taking a toll on me though
I miss my friends
I miss my life

God has His reasons
And I'll learn through all this
It'll make sense in the end

Slipping

I've been pushing back these walls
With all my strength
I'm beginning to worry though
'Cause I'm losing strength

I put on a strong face for the world
While my heart twists in pain
Part of me wants to give in
Part of me knows I can't

I keep fighting back
And giving myself room
Then those walls crush me again
And I'm suffocating

I have no room to move
No breath to scream
The only strength I have left
Is my faith inside

I barely hear the friendly voices
Though I know they're there
I can't reach out a hand
I can't look to find them

I made some progress lately
But today I lost my footing
I slid further than I was before
And now I'm on my knees

I need help getting out of this
Before I lose all hope
I'm not sure which way to turn
But I'll still listen for your voice

It'll burn again

I can feel it deep inside

I haven't felt it in months

That magnetism I once had

Before it was crushed from me

When I could do no wrong

When it guided me

When it showed me love

And brought me connections

I believed in it completely

It was never wrong

Then it was challenged

They fought blindly

And I lost faith

It was lost since then

But I catch glimpses of it

Like a firefly at night

Burning for a moment

And disappearing the next

Perhaps one day

It'll burn true again

And I'll regain the faith

I lost back then

Pushing Through the Struggle

When did things change for the worse?
I'm feeling more distant from you...
     All of you.

I keep reminding myself
Things will get better
That I'll get through this
That it'll just take a little more effort
And I'll be back on my feet again.

I'm trying not to complain
I tell everyone I'm doing ok
...not to worry.
I lie to them
I don't know why.

I distance myself
I'm not even talking to my two best friends
At least not as much as I should
They have their own issues
And I can't add to their stress.

I'll deal with this
I've dealt with worse
I'll figure it out
I'll end up on top
...somehow.

This won't last
It's happening for a reason
God is always teaching me
And guiding me
I still believe everything He's shown me
No matter who says otherwise.

What to Wear

We're going out tonight

Dinner and a show

You ask what should you wear

I say "I don't know"

I get up and follow

As you sigh and walk away

You stand in your closet

I stand in the doorway

You toss a dress to the bed

Another falls to the floor

I smile as I catch your hand

And ask "What are you looking for?"

I pull you closer

And whisper in your ear

I thought about it

I know what you should wear

Just brush your hand through your hair

Like when you get nervous

It reminds me of our first date

And how kissing you took all my courage

I want you to wear those eyes

The dark ones that warm my heart

They look beautiful in any light

Like a true work of art

And could you wear that smile

The one that lights up the room

It would accent your eyes

Like the sun lights the moon

And I'd like you to bring your touch

The one that holds my hand

And erases all my worries

And make it tender, if you can

Of course you'd have to bring your voice

Bring the soft one and the firm one

They go together perfectly

Like a duet beautifully sung

And if you would bring along your heart

So that I can hold it for you,

I'll protect it with my life

And love it like only I can do.



It's just temporary

I'm getting more stressed as the days go on.
I'm in pain with my neck.
I'm having trouble with the insurance company.
It's starting to look like I won't have a job soon.
No income.
No benefits.
Just me and the endless onslaught of people who need help.

I'm unhappy with many things.
I'm trying to turn my mind around.
Trying to make things positive.
I know this is all temporary.

Rambling

I'm laying here...
     Typing...
          Deleting...
     Typing...
          Deleting...

My thoughts are scattered..
     Longing for a taste...
          Flinching with pain...
     Yearning to explore...
          Thinking of work...
    
Touching the heavens
     With my thoughts of friends
Dreaming of the future
     And the success I'm building

I could die tomorrow
With nothing to leave
No child or legacy
No fortune or gift

I've been given stress
     That doesn't belong to me.
But I took it anyway
     Because it's what I do.

Friends are in need
And I'm giving more than I have.
No hope of repayment
No reward for the work.

All I can do
Is smile with God.
He's the only one who knows
He's the only one helping.

Backwards - Christina Perri

Storms

I sit here with the lights down low
Rain pounding above me
Wind whistling by the windows
Flashes from the sky lighting my room
The roar of Irene in the distance

Nature is reflecting my heart tonight
A storm rages inside me
A rare moment of anger
Spinning toward one I love

I spoke words I believe
And they were diminished
Like they have no weight at all
It hurt me and angered me
Mostly because of what she means to me

My insides feel twisted
My heart is on fire

Another late night

Once again I lie awake.
My mind too busy to let me sleep.

My life is transitioning.

I've reached a new starting point.

It's exciting for me,
but I still wish I didn't feel so alone.

It's doesn't seem fair
That I offer so much as a man
And I'm never given the chance.

But I can't force anything.
I need to just live my life.

Perhaps I'll die alone

Perhaps I won't.

All I can do
Is let my heart love
And hope it finds a home one day.

Until then,
I'll build my life.
I'll secure my life.


And I'll love...

Returning home

The rain fell upon my head

As I walked to up to my door

Already drunk and ready for bed

I opened the door and fell upon the floor

I stumbled into my room

And stared into the mirror

I asked what I could do

To catch my falling tear

I strummed a sad, sad song

Through the dust on my guitar

I tipped more vodka past my tongue

And felt my tears begin to fall

With the bottle in my hand

And numbness setting in

I pushed myself to stand

And be my own best friend

A warmth grew from inside my heart

And I knew I was never alone

You were there with me from the start

Guiding me back to my home

Galileo

I'm wondering today
What Galileo felt
When he believed the Sun was the center
With no clear way to prove it.

Though he wasn't the first to believe it
He was the one who was most adament
And most ridiculed
Eventually having to concede to the objections.

Some people supported his beliefs,
Especially those close to him,
But opposition came from the only people
Who could stop him from pursuing his beliefs.

Outwardly he promised to let go
Of his outrageous beliefs,
But he worked in secret
Trying to prove what he believed in.

When he later publicized
And defended his beliefs
Those in power found him,
"Vehemently suspect of heresy"

He was forced to recant
And spent the rest of his life
Under house arrest,
Inwardly, still believing he was right.

It was then outlawed
To publish anything he wrote,
But he continued to write in secret,
Never knowing if it would ever be read.

While under house arrest
He became blind.
Ironic, given that he was able to see
So much more than his persecutors.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.

I used to control it.

But it broke it's chain.

It ran wild.

I let it run...

For awhile.

But it was getting hurt.

And was running in circles

Getting dizzy.

Everytime I caught it,

it decided to run again.

Its prey...

Always just out of reach.

Until someone takes the prey away.

Or I chain him down again....

And take his freedom away.

A Lifetime, in one year.

Sometimes,

We are reminded of some of the most amazing moments,

Or the most amazing people,

By things that are ordinary to others.

This is my tribute to a year

That taught me how to love,

That showed me comfort,

That inspired me to go further.

In essense,

This was what made me

Feel that I can die a happy man

Because I learned how to smile with my soul.

So here is a series of photos

Found across the internet

That fits somewhere

Within my soul.

I'm not myself

I haven't been feeling like myself.
I've been swamped with negative thoughts.
I need to change this.
Pain or no pain,
I need to keep my heart from growing cold.

I think I need to change several things in my life.
I need to move.
I need to change my job.
I need to pursue wedding photography.
Just a few of the things I need to do.

I haven't been on a date in quite some time.
So I should start dating again.
I think that might help my attitude.
It'll be hard to find someone
Who will be anything close to the one in my heart,
But I guess I have to try.
She may never see what I see.

So I'm making myself work on these things
For the remainder of the week.
I will find myself again.
I need to find myself again.

Suffering

I hate the way I feel
I hate it
My mind gets trapped
My emotions go wild
I shouldn't feel that way
I should be happy

I'm in pain as well
Pain that stops me in my tracks
And that stops me
From fighting my emotions
And fall into darkness

I'm mad at my friends
Since I've been injured,
Only two have offered
To come see me
It makes me feel
Like I'm only a friend
When I'm useful to them

That hurts...

More than the pain itself.

I sit alone
Every night
Wishing for a knock on my door
Wishing...
To feel loved.


Alone again.
Falling.
The love in me
The only warmth I feel.

My Unfinished Gift

God?

Are you there?

Of course you're there...
  You're always there...
    Or here, I guess.

I only want to say a few things...
  Not to ask you to change them,
    Just to get them off my chest.

You have given me someone to love.
  I am beyond grateful for that!
But you've given them beliefs and preferences
  That prevent them from loving me back.

That sucks God.

I know I told you long ago
  That I would stay single my whole life
    If that would help me serve you.

It's becoming clearer now
  That you are holding me to that.

I shouldn't complain
  There are people who go their whole lives
    Without ever feeling a love so pure.

You've given me a gift
  And I am ashamed to point out
    That your gift seems unfinished.

Perhaps I will love someone else
  As true as I love her
    Though that seems impossible.

And perhaps someone will love her
  As true as I love her
    Though that, too, seems impossible.

I love that she is in my life
  Even if it's just as friends

    Cause she's still
    The greatest gift
    You've ever given me.

And when my body dies
  I will come to see you
    And give you the greatest hug

        For the unfinished gift
        That was far greater
        Than any fully-finished gift
        Any man could possibly receive.

I know I seem unappreciative now,
  But I know a gift from God when I see one.
    And I feel your presence
      Every time she's near me.

Believing in the Night

Sometimes...
     I lay awake at night.

Imagining...
     A life
          different
               than the one I have.

Tonight...
     I'm picturing life as it is.

Believing...
     In myself,
          my dreams,
               and the people close to me.

For once...
     I'm blind in the night.

Knowing...
     That everything
          I need
               will be given to me.

Fearing...
     Nothing.

A Flower in a Desert

My blog has been silent...
My thoughts have been rampant.

The thing I refer to as my life...
That has been changing.

The beating of my heart...
Is sounding a different rhythm.

The visions in my head...
Are clearer than before.

My dreams of love...
Have grown cold.

My hopes of success...
Have grown hot.

...............

It's funny how I'm happier
When I am not hoping for love.
Love has always been
Such a huge dream of mine.
If there was a time
When love could've been mine,
It slipped through my hands
And out of my life.

I still love...
Deeper and stronger than ever.
But I'm beginning to see
That maybe I'm meant to be alone.
The closest I came to feeling love
Is the love I've felt from one of my closest friends.
A flower in the middle of a desert.
A rainbow in the midst of a storm.

I broke

One of my best friends
                         resents me.
That was one of the most painful things
                                         I ever had to hear.

How do I fix that?
           What do I do?

I think she fears being alone with me
                      because I couldn't keep my secret.

I pray for her.
                I pray for us.

My friends mean the world to me.

What kind of friend am I
            if I make one of them resent me?






My heart is broken...









                                  My soul is weak...









It's time to rebuild...










                            Before I'm completely gone.

Memories of you

Tonight
I go through my memories of you
From when we met in your apartment
Just you, me, and my camera.

You smiled and laughed
You made me feel young
You were extraordinarily beautiful
You made me comfortable.

The months passed by
We talked more and more
Things progressed
And we had our first date.

The date went well
We talked and laughed
We enjoyed each other's company
And I walked you to your door.

You invited me in
Though just for a minute
We talked a little while longer
Then it was time for me to go.

I stood looking in your eyes
You moved in close
We embraced each other
In a very warm hug.

As we pulled apart
Our eyes met again
And before I knew it
You pressed your lips to mine.

Though we saw each other more
Over the next year and a half
Something kept you from me
And you had your secrets.

I was ready to give myself to you
You could've had my heart
I would've treated you
Like no one else could.

Now you send me messages
That say you would marry me
But you still have your secrets
And I can't be with half a woman.

Let down

I'm tired of being let down by my friends.
I allow myself to get excited about things
and the people I love seem to think that it's ok
to just not follow through.

Yes, I'm exaggerating.
I'm just frustrated right now.
I have a few very reliable friends.
I love them more than words.

It just gets very tiring.
I think people assume
that since they know I'll forgive them
they can get away with hurting me.

And then others avoid talking to me altogether
so that they can avoid hurting me...
which ultimately hurts me more.

I feel a bit lost among my friends.
I've only been talking to two friends really.
I'm trying my hardest to keep the happiness
that's been creeping up from inside me.

I was heading into some dark places not long ago.
I don't want to go back that direction.
I need to find some affection
Not necessarily anything sexual,
but some kind of love that can bridge my gap
while I repair it.

Turning the page

Letting go of the pain
Before it turns me insane
I'm learning to live again
This chapter of my life must end.

People have come and gone
Like the colors of the fall
Never meant to last long
Now I'm proudly moving on.

No more tears to cloud my sight
No more darkness of the night
Just the sun burning bright
And my soul with all its might.

My mood is rising with the sun
Excitement builds with inspiration
Soon I'll join in all the fun
And lay to rest my depression.

Loneliness

Tonight,
I'm having an affair
With a lady
Who is never far
From the warmth of my heart.

Most other nights
I can resist this temptress,
But tonight...
Tonight she found my weakness,
And I fell into her arms.

She began her seduction
By getting under my skin,
Then within my mind
And into my soul.
There was nothing I could do
But be made a fool.

As the night went on
A new comfort arose.
I admit I was wary,
Without my defense
I let her embrace me.

Within our embrace
Our minds got creative
And saw things anew.
We now saw potential
Where once there was fear.

Tonight I loved her
But she'll be gone soon
A fickle friend she is
After all the pain she caused
Oddly she'll be missed

The time for my seductress
To no longer be nameless
Is finally upon us,
And I shall be shameless.
You know her best
By the name of Loneliness.

Poison and Wine

Never heard this song before,

But it struck something inside me

Reflection

I stand facing a mirror
Staring into the eyes
Of the shadow of a man
Who has lost his sight

The fire that filled
His smoke gray eyes
Is being slowly drowned
By tears from the skies

The warmth of his heart
Can still be felt
Because the love he holds
Will never melt

It's the drive that pushes him
To find his way through
A soul who believes
He'll always be true

To Feel Less Empty

I've had a lot of negative posts lately...too many.
I haven't been happy all that much this year
And I'm wondering if writing these negative things
has anything to do with it.

My love life has crashed and burned.
The closest thing I have now
Is a friend with whom
I have a complicated relationship with.

I want to be able to hold someone
To kiss them and touch them
But being the way I am
There are extremely few women
I could do that with
Without being in a relationship with them.

Maybe it's a poor substitute
For what I really want
But I would feel less empty

Want, need, and desire

I wanted her last night
I could almost feel her next to me
I wanted to taste her body
And make her sway

I wanted to run my hands
Along her spine
To give her chills
And make her whine

My hand on her neck
My lips touch her ear
I slide my tongue down
Without any fear

She would melt in my arms
As I glide down her chest
Arching her back
She knows what's next

The anticipation would rise
But I take my time
I pass on by
And I kiss her thigh

I ascend her leg
With slow deliberation
Her body is shaking
With intense anticipation

Finally I oblige
And kiss where she's most tender
She can't hold back the screams
Her peak is where I'll send her

Clearer signs, same results

I've been thrown off balance
By something that hasn't happened
In nearly 18 years.

Ever since I started listening
For God in my life
I followed his guidance
Without any hinderance

Even when I felt
It would be hard to do
He gave me the tools
To make it through

This time is different
His words are clearer than ever
But the things He guides me to
Are blocked by others' means

I've second guessed my interpretations
Then He shows me clearer signs
To exact same things

It's dropped my mood
And my ambitions
I feel like I'm stuck
With no one around

Catching myself

I have been struggling lately
To keep myself happy
Today was harder
But I made it through

I'm lucky enough
To have some true friends
Who send me their love
And bring smiles to my face

I'm eternally grateful
For these special people
The few who understand
That it never takes much

It saddens me though
To see the distance grow
Between me and some friends
When it still feels unfinished

I hate feeling empty
I accomplish nothing
My business should be started
My love should be expressed

I find temporary happiness
In buying things I can't afford
I need to find another outlet
A way to release my energy

I fear I'll become careless
And wander deeper in the dark
I've been there before
I don't want to go back

I don't know what happened this year
I've had several drops in my mood
It's really unusual
I hope it ends soon

I realize where I'm at
And I still have the strength
To bring myself back
And feel the warmth of my love

A lonely day

My loneliness is mounting
I miss holding someone close
Feeling their energy
Mixing with mine

The comfort of love
Is immeasurable
I feel it
In the embraces of friends

It's something I need
A need more desparate
Than I've felt it before
But few can fill it

Internal smoke

For several months
My heart has struggled
It's been lifted
It's been dropped

It's been shaken
It's been held
It's been thrown
It's been caught

All these things
Has left my heart
Clouded by smoke
As it tries to find its way

The drive I feel
For starting a family
Is insanely intense
And it's taking a toll

In just one month
I'll be the only man
Within my family
To not be married

I offer so much
As far as what's important
But I'm told that's not enough
And I still stand and sleep alone

It's getting hard to resist
The love that was offered
Even knowing it'd be hard
To make it last

But I'm aging
And I'm not promised tomorrow
So I may have to offer my heart
To a woman willing to take it.

Walking onward

I climbed to the top of a mountain today
Hoping that as I climbed
It would lift my spirits.

I sat at the edge of the cliff
Feeling the breeze
Brush through my hair.

Watching the birds
Soaring along the treetops
So far below me.

There is no place better
For me to feel God's presence
Than so far above the stresses below.

I can hear God's voice
Speaking within me
Comforting me and guiding me.

He continues to point me
To things being blocked
I don't know what to do about that.

I know one day
It will all make sense
For now, I simply walk on.

Sinking

I think I need to get away
The negativity around me is eating me alive
I feel my happiness slipping away.
The effort I've been putting toward staying happy
Is becoming too much for me.

It was a gorgeous day today
I did nothing
Besides look at my computer
And wander aimlessly around the house

Is it because of the stress at work?
Or people always taking from me?
I don't know

I've been thinking about the offers of love
That I had turned away from this year.
My heart aches.
I'm tempted to call
But I know I shouldn't.

I'm struggling right now
I need to quiet my thoughts
Ease my desires
Warm my heart

Standing my ground

You think because you're beautiful
I'll bend to your will?
That's happened to me too many times
To let it happen again.

You may try to entice me
With occasional shows of affection,
Some kind words,
A touch on my arm..
A smile with flirtatious eyes.
But I'm standing my ground.

I don't trust you.
There is kindness and loyalty
Somewhere inside,
But you've buried it
Beneath years of your own pain.

I like you
More than you know
But until you can prove me wrong
I cannot trust you.

You'll go out with me
Then disappear with another man.
I'll bring you gifts and love
You'll leave me empty and hurt.

I will not do that to myself
I will no longer be used.

Unfocused motivation

What do you do with motivation
When you're distracted and unfocused?

I have a world of motivation right now
But my mind won't stay on track.
I jump from my business,
To photography, school, friends,
And everything else.

I feel an emptiness inside.
A void that needs something to fill it.
Sometimes, all I want is the closeness of a woman,
Someone to hold.
Other times it's my own spirituality that feels empty,
Or the energy within me
And sometimes I just feel the need to be creative,
Or explore the world,
Or learn something new.
Sometimes I crave a physical outlet
A temporary moment when nothing else exists

Sometimes all I want to do is run away
And hope that I run somewhere that gives me direction
And focus...
Because even in my own bed
I feel like I'm no longer home.
This place no longer feels like my own space.
I'm a stranger surrounded by familiar things.

So I have all these factors pulling my mind,
Stretching my motivation,
Until it breaks.

There Are Times

There are times
          I hear her voice

     There are times
               I feel her touch

          Then I open my eyes
                    And she's not here

     But there are times
               I swear she's near

Don't let that happen

I'm trying hard
to understand what we have
but then I look
and you're further away
I don't like this
it will take a toll
but I'm still trying
What will we be
if this continues
Will I lose you completely
and be someone you used to know

Don't let that happen

Step after Step

It's 3:30am
I'm tired
Worn out
But I can't sleep

My mind jumps
From one thing to another
My body is as restless as my mind
So I reach for my trusty laptop

Here I can write
Free from judgement
Just my words
Being thrown on the screen

I wish for her permission
To hold her and to touch her
A wish I know I can't have
But a wish nonetheless

Maybe I'm foolish for that
Would it really help me in the end
All it would do
Is get me through the present

I hate myself for thinking like that
I would never want to use her
I'll have to find my strength elsewhere
Or just ask Him for a hand

The roads I want to take are closed
So I'll travel another way
I trust God knows what He's doing
That He's simply giving a chance to grow

All my pain makes me stronger
And makes me understand people more
So I can fulfill my obligations
That I so long ago promised

I'm creating a life of love
And one day I'll share it
For now I keep building
And taking step after step

The Heat Of Happiness

My happiness got buried
Beneath an avalanche of love
It was lost and neglected
Until I realized it was gone

I knew it was in there
I just needed to reach for it
It always returns to me
When it feels my intention

My happiness is returning
I feel it within
Its warmth is comforting
To the coldness I've felt

With happiness in tow
To act as my shield
Can I explore this new scene
With a passionate desire

The landscape has changed
And others are cautious
But there's nothing left to fall
And I'm geared up for adventure

Self Preservation

I've brought pain upon myself
I allowed myself to fall
And I landed hard

I asked for a softer landing
But she could not cushion the ground
Nor could she comfort me while I was down

Any little bit would help
But to preserve herself
She had to steer clear

I can respect that
She must live her life
According to her beliefs

I wander alone now
Hoping for some comfort
Or maybe a simple escape

Occassional trips into paradise
A vacation from the unrest
Will rejuvenate and renew me

Until the day comes
When I am whole again
And ready to explore the world

The void

Sadness surrounds me
Like a cloudy night
I see nothing but darkness
And hear nothing but echos

I had to let go
This I understand
I know it isn't fair
To ask for anything more

I just wish I could have more
Of those magical moments
One day, perhaps,
Someone will fill that void

I'm told I have options
There are others to hold
It will never be as complete
As having even part of her

Maybe my view is distorted
Maybe I'm being selfish
I simply know what feels right
Even when there's nothing to feel

Last Embrace

**The song above was playing as I wrote**

She came

In the dead of night

To tell him

And show him

She loved him

He stared

Not believing his eyes

She was there

Walking toward him

Sliding her arms around his neck

The moon

Was all the light they had

The only witness

Of the last embrace

They could have

Crickets

Sang them a love song

As their lips met

With no words

And their passion rose

Their love

Was deep and true

But it wasn't enough

This was the last of its kind

They both knew

They made love

On a blanket of grass

The heat between them

Igniting the heavens above

With stars joining the moon

His eyes

Were afraid to open

He didn't want to see her go

He could stay in this dream forever

And make the last embrace..endless

The sun

Soon forced his eyes to open

He lay there in disbelief

As he found himself staring

At the ceiling of his room

The Oasis

A man
Traveling the world
Found himself wandering
Through desert sands

He learned to survive
By being still in the heat
And moving
In the cool air of night

He adapted to this life
And even found happiness in it
Finding water in unusual places
And shelter where there was none

Walking one night
He smelled something in the air
It drew him in
And guided him east

He found paradise
An oasis of unparalleled beauty
It held everything he dreamed of
And it quenched a thirst he didn't know he had

As the sun rose
His love rose with it
New colors erupted from the horizon
His life was renewed

Every now and then
A goddess emerged at night
Rising from the water
To fill the only empty space within him

But she wasn't completely there
And she had to leave with the rise of the sun
There were signs that she would stay one day
And they would stay strong in their embrace

He wanted to stay here
In this perfect embrace
But he didn't know how long it would be
Until she would be able to stay

Then a message came for him
A rescuer was coming to take him away
He didn't know where this would be
But he knew he would have company

He could turn them away
So he could have his occassional embrace
With the possibility of his goddess
Becoming real and true forever

He needed more time to decide
He needed another night in her embrace
He would be giving up so much
If he was to be taken away.

Rebuilding Me

What am I to say?
I let myself fall off track
Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually
I wasn't taking care of myself
But I'm refocusing now

Mentally, I'm back on track
My mind is focusing much more easily
Ideas are coming easily
Motivation is building quickly
My ability to organize is being magnified
And my eagerness to learn is mind-blowing

Emotionally, I'm taking a break
My heart has dealt with too many ups and downs
I lost Harmony...and that's devastating for me
Everyday I wish for her to call me
It burns inside me when I think of her leaving
Jasmine and I are building our friendship
Which should make things easier for us
I guess I was wrong there, but I'm ok with that
She's a phenomenal friend and I'm blessed to have her as such

Physically, I'm getting healthier
I'm running more consistently
And doing Tai Chi and Aikido
I'm also beginning to eat healthier..
Or at least cutting back on the unhealthy things

Spiritually, I'm opening up again
I'm getting back into my meditation routine
Quieting my mind and expanding my energy
This, I feel, may be the most important part of my rebuilding
I connect with God and feel Him all around me
With a strong spirit, I can achieve it all

I feel like I'll be making some huge strides this year
And it's all beginning right now

Love and drinking...

Free writing..under the influence of alcohol...


Just let us be who we are
Don't stop emotions
Because it might change some dynamics
Everything in life changes

The bond we have is stronger
Than seems possible
Why not let it grow
By letting it guide us?

Love may be scary
Love leaves us open
But it can be so beautiful
When you stop denying it

The love is obvious
How deep, we don't know
But it's there waiting
For the leash to be taken away

A life awaits you
But only after you break your chains
You need to be free
From the prison you built yourself

Alone..in the light of the sun

My pain is real this time..
I had a woman ready to be my wife
And mother of my children

She would've been great
I felt it deep inside
And still I let her go

I felt another love..
Deeper than anything
A love so pure

My love for you
Was bright within me
A star in the night sky

But in the light of the sun
It would never be seen
Lost in the heavens...

My tears keep coming
When I think of your departure
I don't want you to leave

I know it's the right decision
But a fear is growing
That I will forever be alone

The cruelty of life

I was finally sure of something
Of someone..
Everything fit so perfectly
It all made sense

I could see so much happiness
So much joy..
A passion of life would be built
Life would be made

Even when I spoke to God
He said yes..
Everything told me it was right
Except one thing

The very subject of this passage
Of my love..
Could not see the same things
And I'm left alone

For my friend

I love you
No matter what
No matter what is done
No matter what is said

I love you

Broken pieces

Staring at the night sky
Glittering above me
Like a million pieces of glass
Shining in the moonlight

I admire the beauty
That chaos can have
And I think of the pieces
Scattered inside me

Maybe someone far off
Can look at my heart
And see some kind of beauty
In the scattered chaos within me

A feeling inside me
Like when you miss a step
Erupted within me
Because of a friend

It started because of me
So I'll take the blame
The anger, hurt and abandonment
Are all mine to feel

I'll pick up the pieces myself
And bury them out of sight
So you don't have to deal with them
And we can still be friends




:-(

Enya - (1988) Watermark - 02 Cursum Perficio

The theme song to my mind lately
The "eternal journey" as the last word of the song suggests

Push play on this song
Close your eyes
Envision the intensity
Feel the passion
Sense the struggles
See the journey
Embrace the fear
Reject reality
Enter my world
Of "Iternum"

The broken dam

As I walked through fields
And hiked over mountains
I came across a scene
Unlike any other

I wanted to go there
But a river blocked the way
So I took in the beauty
Of the tantalizing land

The sun was setting
And I must be on my way
As the land grew darker
My light would guide me along

The land across the river
Was still in my mind
But I accepted its distance
And followed my light

I walked through the night
And soon the sun was rising
I felt happy as could be
Until I looked straight ahead

My path ahead was blocked
And I looked to my right
I nearly crossed the river
By walking across a dam

The drop to my left was far
Not a jump I'd attempt
I turn to head back
And the ground beneath me shook

I fall to my knees
My hands reaching for balance
I hear a sudden shatter
And my heart plummets with fear

The dam is breaking beneath me
And I look for my options
I won't make it back to shore
And the path ahead is still blocked

How did I make it so far
And never realize where I was going
I close my eyes and brace for the fall
Tears begging to fall like the water on the dam

The fall will hurt
But I know I'll survive
My light never failed me
So it's here I belong

When the dam breaks
And the river washes me ashore
I'll dry myself off
And begin to explore

I may find myself somewhere
I wished I would be
It doesn't really matter
Cause love will find me.

The unmailed letter

An old man had been cleaning his closet
Moving to another place
Deciding what to keep
And what to leave

He came across a box he always treasured
His sorting had been paused
As he stood there holding the box
Eyes wide with the flood of memories

Slowly lifting the lid
He sank onto his bed
Staring at the contents
His eyes start to tear

Movie tickets from films long forgotten
Receipts from dinners he could taste again
Pictures of best friends in timeless laughter
And a letter in an envelope
               Never mailed

The man reached in the box
His shaking hand in disbelief
Pulling out the envelope
He drops the rest

There's no need to open it
He could still recite the words
But the questions rose inside him
Like little daggers to his heart

Would things be different
If he had the courage to send it?
Would that love have blossomed?
Would it have made a difference?

He looked around his room
With a sudden emptiness
Nothing there would comfort him
It was his one regret

He had acheived a great deal
And had a lot to show
He'd give up it all to go back in time
And send the letter she had never known.

Crimson words

The crimson words you read tonight
Are written with the blood of my wounds
      Both old and new

My travels brought me many places
And they've shown me many faces
      I embraced them all

A scar from a burn that took years to heal
Given to me when I fell upon the heat of fire
      I was never supposed to see

Cuts upon my feet I still feel when the ground is hard
Given to me when running in the night
      And stepping on broken glass

Burns upon my palms keeping me from handing over gifts
Given to me when I was lured into a trap
      And held burning metal

Cuts upon my body after climbing a beautiful mountain
Given to me when it turned to ice and I slid backwards
      The blades of crystalized grass cutting as I passed

The blood I shed through my travels
Will write my story and paint my portrait
      And it will end in beauty

I do not fear the pain, blood, or tears
My destination will repay me all that's lost
      And I will be embraced

Kiki

My birthday has been over for nearly half an hour now.
I had lunch with someone new.
I wasn't sure what to expect,
but we ate our lunch and instead of moving on to something else,
We sat there for another four hours..
just talking
telling stories
asking questions
learning
laughing..
truly enjoying ourselves.

Before she walks away

I stand alone within a crowd
Catching glimpses of a distant love
Unable to catch it or to follow it

With every glance she's further away
Out of reach and unable to hear me
But still wrapped around my mind
      And my heart

I look around among the passing faces
Some offer smiles or even winks
Then a hand catches mine and makes me turn

I'm caught off guard but I like the scene
The warmth of her offered hand tempts me
Do I walk with her or continue my search?

Either way I'll spend my life wondering
Either way I'll spend my life happy
I must make a decision quickly
      Before she walks away

Stay away

I'm aggravated tonight
It started with just one thing
And I allowed it to turn into an avalanche.

My mistake..
And now I get to lie here in bed
Writing about my complaints.

I'm trying hard to stop the negative thoughts
But tonight they're flooding my mind
And I'm drowning in it.

I'm not talking to anyone until this passes
I'll say things I don't want to say
If I talk to anyone.

I can actually feel the words
Waiting beneath my skin...
Waiting to be unleashed on you.

Please...
Just let me sleep
And wake me up in the morning
With something to make me smile.

Closure

I realized today
    I need closure.
I won't ever find
    Or reach my potential
Without closure.

There are a few ways
For me to achieve this
But I don't know the best way.

Hopefully I'll figure it out soon.

A closing chapter...

There have been moments
Over the past few days
When I see another chapter of my life
Beginning to be written

Then the writer wonders
Is this chapter really done?
Should I end all the open possibilities
With such a sudden turn of events?

I quiet my mind
I listen for that whisper
        That reassuring guide
                  That gentle, but strong voice within
I can hear it
It's there as it always is

I see a future
I see a shadow of love
         But I can't see its source
                   Could it be her?
Some things aren't meant to be seen beforehand
This I know

I ask for a clearer sign
To guide me one way or the other
And bring me peace in this decision
Or at least closure in others.

Another difficult choice

As sure as I was
(and still am)
About the choices
I've been making..

Some of the choices I made
Have been taken away from me
Before they could even come to be.

So I'm left looking around
At what I have left
And the possibilities
Of the choices still around me.

Though as I explored a choice tonight,
I realized that I'm entering a possibility
With a choice which has a deep impact on my life.

It's a decision I can't take lightly
One that I must say yes to
Because of the man I am.

But it's also a decision
I must say no to
Because of the beliefs I have.

This will undoubtedly be
The toughest decision of all.

What I'd give for my earlier choice
To return itself to me
And save me from the decision to come.

My barrier

I have come to another barrier
Barring the path to something
I believe to be extraordinary.

I stand in disbelief at this barrier
Staring into the distance
Taking in the last breaths of this air.

I'm tempted to find a way around
But I stop myself
Because of the love and respect I have for this place.

I accept the blessings I've received
And I will love them beyond words
My happiness grows with them.

I'm sure

There is so much I want to say
But I don't know where to start.

I'm at a great point in my life.
My energy is wide open
My mind is wide open
My heart is wide open
And my soul...is finally reaching out
To pull in some gifts from the universe.

I feel God's presence in my life
More strongly than before.
I feel His energy in the people around me
In the wind and trees
In the words spoken
And the words taken in

I've never felt this in tune
This certain
About my life
My pursuits
My decisions
And my capabilities.

Things may still be difficult
Or aggravating
But I'm doing the right things
Of that I'm sure.

My heart aches..

Someone, who's not even a good friend,
Has been entering my mind a lot.
I kept feeling pain
Whenever I thought of her.

And when this happened
I simply sent her love and peace.
But the feelings are getting worse.
I'm worried about her.

I want to hug her
And hold her
Until she knows
Everything will be ok.

She brings so much to the world.
So much beauty
So much love
But she has so much pain.

I wish I could take her pain for her.
But that's not for me to hold.
She'll make it through eventually.
I just pray that it's soon.

Until then, I'll send her my love
And offer my help.

2010 Flashback

2010
The highlights:

Losses..
  My cousin, Devin...remembered.
  Two friends, Chris and Danielle...remembered.

Family..
  Lilli joins Emma and Sara in my brother's family
  Tori joins Kayla in my sister's family
  My aunt battles cancer...and wins
  Danielle's mother brushes elbows with death...and comes out alive.
 
Friends..
  Jasmine, a new best friend and a dynamic new relationship
  Ingrid, marries a great man, Chady, and I was thrilled to be there
  Nichelle, and more ups and downs between us, but we always end up better than before
  Kelly, still doing well and still a huge part of my life
  Alicia, a new addition with intrigue
  Andy, one of the great men in this world, and I'm lucky enough to call him a dear friend
  Julian, my comic relief in life and a very good friend
  Kia, love her..so glad she came into my life
  Susanna, she's made my commute one of the best parts of my day

The Complications..
  GW
  RR
  GA
  KC
  HD

Career..
  I spoke at a convention in Princeton, but still haven't put my effort into my private practice (this will change in the coming year)
  I grew comfortable at Carrier..so I put in for a new position last week which will open up much more time to pursue photography and my hypnosis practice.

Overall..
  It was a good year..
  Not the best, but good.
  It felt more like a building year.
  So I look forward to 2011.

  I was hurt by unexpected people.
  I was held by unexpected people.
  I felt an energy I've never felt before.
  I faced challenges, and came out on top.

  Big plans and big goals will be achieved
  Because of the seeds planted in 2010.