Memories of you

Tonight
I go through my memories of you
From when we met in your apartment
Just you, me, and my camera.

You smiled and laughed
You made me feel young
You were extraordinarily beautiful
You made me comfortable.

The months passed by
We talked more and more
Things progressed
And we had our first date.

The date went well
We talked and laughed
We enjoyed each other's company
And I walked you to your door.

You invited me in
Though just for a minute
We talked a little while longer
Then it was time for me to go.

I stood looking in your eyes
You moved in close
We embraced each other
In a very warm hug.

As we pulled apart
Our eyes met again
And before I knew it
You pressed your lips to mine.

Though we saw each other more
Over the next year and a half
Something kept you from me
And you had your secrets.

I was ready to give myself to you
You could've had my heart
I would've treated you
Like no one else could.

Now you send me messages
That say you would marry me
But you still have your secrets
And I can't be with half a woman.

Let down

I'm tired of being let down by my friends.
I allow myself to get excited about things
and the people I love seem to think that it's ok
to just not follow through.

Yes, I'm exaggerating.
I'm just frustrated right now.
I have a few very reliable friends.
I love them more than words.

It just gets very tiring.
I think people assume
that since they know I'll forgive them
they can get away with hurting me.

And then others avoid talking to me altogether
so that they can avoid hurting me...
which ultimately hurts me more.

I feel a bit lost among my friends.
I've only been talking to two friends really.
I'm trying my hardest to keep the happiness
that's been creeping up from inside me.

I was heading into some dark places not long ago.
I don't want to go back that direction.
I need to find some affection
Not necessarily anything sexual,
but some kind of love that can bridge my gap
while I repair it.

Turning the page

Letting go of the pain
Before it turns me insane
I'm learning to live again
This chapter of my life must end.

People have come and gone
Like the colors of the fall
Never meant to last long
Now I'm proudly moving on.

No more tears to cloud my sight
No more darkness of the night
Just the sun burning bright
And my soul with all its might.

My mood is rising with the sun
Excitement builds with inspiration
Soon I'll join in all the fun
And lay to rest my depression.

Loneliness

Tonight,
I'm having an affair
With a lady
Who is never far
From the warmth of my heart.

Most other nights
I can resist this temptress,
But tonight...
Tonight she found my weakness,
And I fell into her arms.

She began her seduction
By getting under my skin,
Then within my mind
And into my soul.
There was nothing I could do
But be made a fool.

As the night went on
A new comfort arose.
I admit I was wary,
Without my defense
I let her embrace me.

Within our embrace
Our minds got creative
And saw things anew.
We now saw potential
Where once there was fear.

Tonight I loved her
But she'll be gone soon
A fickle friend she is
After all the pain she caused
Oddly she'll be missed

The time for my seductress
To no longer be nameless
Is finally upon us,
And I shall be shameless.
You know her best
By the name of Loneliness.

Poison and Wine

Never heard this song before,

But it struck something inside me

Reflection

I stand facing a mirror
Staring into the eyes
Of the shadow of a man
Who has lost his sight

The fire that filled
His smoke gray eyes
Is being slowly drowned
By tears from the skies

The warmth of his heart
Can still be felt
Because the love he holds
Will never melt

It's the drive that pushes him
To find his way through
A soul who believes
He'll always be true

To Feel Less Empty

I've had a lot of negative posts lately...too many.
I haven't been happy all that much this year
And I'm wondering if writing these negative things
has anything to do with it.

My love life has crashed and burned.
The closest thing I have now
Is a friend with whom
I have a complicated relationship with.

I want to be able to hold someone
To kiss them and touch them
But being the way I am
There are extremely few women
I could do that with
Without being in a relationship with them.

Maybe it's a poor substitute
For what I really want
But I would feel less empty

Want, need, and desire

I wanted her last night
I could almost feel her next to me
I wanted to taste her body
And make her sway

I wanted to run my hands
Along her spine
To give her chills
And make her whine

My hand on her neck
My lips touch her ear
I slide my tongue down
Without any fear

She would melt in my arms
As I glide down her chest
Arching her back
She knows what's next

The anticipation would rise
But I take my time
I pass on by
And I kiss her thigh

I ascend her leg
With slow deliberation
Her body is shaking
With intense anticipation

Finally I oblige
And kiss where she's most tender
She can't hold back the screams
Her peak is where I'll send her

Clearer signs, same results

I've been thrown off balance
By something that hasn't happened
In nearly 18 years.

Ever since I started listening
For God in my life
I followed his guidance
Without any hinderance

Even when I felt
It would be hard to do
He gave me the tools
To make it through

This time is different
His words are clearer than ever
But the things He guides me to
Are blocked by others' means

I've second guessed my interpretations
Then He shows me clearer signs
To exact same things

It's dropped my mood
And my ambitions
I feel like I'm stuck
With no one around

Catching myself

I have been struggling lately
To keep myself happy
Today was harder
But I made it through

I'm lucky enough
To have some true friends
Who send me their love
And bring smiles to my face

I'm eternally grateful
For these special people
The few who understand
That it never takes much

It saddens me though
To see the distance grow
Between me and some friends
When it still feels unfinished

I hate feeling empty
I accomplish nothing
My business should be started
My love should be expressed

I find temporary happiness
In buying things I can't afford
I need to find another outlet
A way to release my energy

I fear I'll become careless
And wander deeper in the dark
I've been there before
I don't want to go back

I don't know what happened this year
I've had several drops in my mood
It's really unusual
I hope it ends soon

I realize where I'm at
And I still have the strength
To bring myself back
And feel the warmth of my love

A lonely day

My loneliness is mounting
I miss holding someone close
Feeling their energy
Mixing with mine

The comfort of love
Is immeasurable
I feel it
In the embraces of friends

It's something I need
A need more desparate
Than I've felt it before
But few can fill it

Internal smoke

For several months
My heart has struggled
It's been lifted
It's been dropped

It's been shaken
It's been held
It's been thrown
It's been caught

All these things
Has left my heart
Clouded by smoke
As it tries to find its way

The drive I feel
For starting a family
Is insanely intense
And it's taking a toll

In just one month
I'll be the only man
Within my family
To not be married

I offer so much
As far as what's important
But I'm told that's not enough
And I still stand and sleep alone

It's getting hard to resist
The love that was offered
Even knowing it'd be hard
To make it last

But I'm aging
And I'm not promised tomorrow
So I may have to offer my heart
To a woman willing to take it.

Walking onward

I climbed to the top of a mountain today
Hoping that as I climbed
It would lift my spirits.

I sat at the edge of the cliff
Feeling the breeze
Brush through my hair.

Watching the birds
Soaring along the treetops
So far below me.

There is no place better
For me to feel God's presence
Than so far above the stresses below.

I can hear God's voice
Speaking within me
Comforting me and guiding me.

He continues to point me
To things being blocked
I don't know what to do about that.

I know one day
It will all make sense
For now, I simply walk on.

Sinking

I think I need to get away
The negativity around me is eating me alive
I feel my happiness slipping away.
The effort I've been putting toward staying happy
Is becoming too much for me.

It was a gorgeous day today
I did nothing
Besides look at my computer
And wander aimlessly around the house

Is it because of the stress at work?
Or people always taking from me?
I don't know

I've been thinking about the offers of love
That I had turned away from this year.
My heart aches.
I'm tempted to call
But I know I shouldn't.

I'm struggling right now
I need to quiet my thoughts
Ease my desires
Warm my heart

Standing my ground

You think because you're beautiful
I'll bend to your will?
That's happened to me too many times
To let it happen again.

You may try to entice me
With occasional shows of affection,
Some kind words,
A touch on my arm..
A smile with flirtatious eyes.
But I'm standing my ground.

I don't trust you.
There is kindness and loyalty
Somewhere inside,
But you've buried it
Beneath years of your own pain.

I like you
More than you know
But until you can prove me wrong
I cannot trust you.

You'll go out with me
Then disappear with another man.
I'll bring you gifts and love
You'll leave me empty and hurt.

I will not do that to myself
I will no longer be used.

Unfocused motivation

What do you do with motivation
When you're distracted and unfocused?

I have a world of motivation right now
But my mind won't stay on track.
I jump from my business,
To photography, school, friends,
And everything else.

I feel an emptiness inside.
A void that needs something to fill it.
Sometimes, all I want is the closeness of a woman,
Someone to hold.
Other times it's my own spirituality that feels empty,
Or the energy within me
And sometimes I just feel the need to be creative,
Or explore the world,
Or learn something new.
Sometimes I crave a physical outlet
A temporary moment when nothing else exists

Sometimes all I want to do is run away
And hope that I run somewhere that gives me direction
And focus...
Because even in my own bed
I feel like I'm no longer home.
This place no longer feels like my own space.
I'm a stranger surrounded by familiar things.

So I have all these factors pulling my mind,
Stretching my motivation,
Until it breaks.

There Are Times

There are times
          I hear her voice

     There are times
               I feel her touch

          Then I open my eyes
                    And she's not here

     But there are times
               I swear she's near