Awaken

My mind is returning to me
As I laid on the ground tonight
And gazed at the stars
Something washed over me
And gave me my peace.

For over a week
My mind was running free
Landing in one place
And jumping to another

Like watching the leaves
Fall from a tree
I was watching my thoughts
Fall from my mind

Chaotically beautiful
It's all I could watch
Now that it's over
It's time to clean up

Not long ago
These thoughts were out of my reach
Now on the ground
Their mine to pick up

Beautiful colors
Beautiful shapes
Some fell together
But all are unique

Some have been damaged
By storms of the past
It no longer matters
'Cause they're within my grasp

Just as the trees
My mind now has room
The reason for the fall
Is for new life to bloom

The harvesting is done
I've reaped what I sowed
I find comfort for the winter
So in the spring I awaken

Lessons

He gave me darkness so I would learn to feel.
I will trust my inner guide.

He gave me betrayal so I would learn to forgive.
I will let go.

He gave me death so I would learn to live.
I will live my life fully.

He gave me loneliness so I would find myself.
I will always be true to who I am.

He gave me pain so I would learn to heal.
I will help others at all times.

He gave me fear so I would learn to be brave.
I will take chances.


Thank you for giving me these lessons.
You have sculpted me into a great man.
I will bring passion back into my life now.
I will embrace others and let them know me.
If at some point You give me the blessing of a family,
I will care for them as You have cared for me.

More life

So I've been rather isolated today.
I haven't talked to anyone.
I returned no messages.
I'm not in a bad mood though.
Just in a place where I need less distractions.

Now as I say that
I'm hanging up the phone.
I was talking to someone truly special to me.
I needed that phone call.
And she is one of only about three people I would've answered for right now.

I feel more myself now.
Not entirely, but more-so.
But I'm still ironing myself out.
Maybe it's time for me to start pulling myself back together.

Like my blog title suggests..
I'm like a nebula...
A bunch of random particles and thoughts
Until something pulls it all together..
To create a brilliant star.

So maybe it's time.
I'll let that idea sit for a day or so.
Then perhaps I'll reel myself in
And jump back on my path.

Getting crazier

I wanted to be creative tonight
I wanted to do something special
But my mind is in overdrive
It won't stop tonight.

This is starting to get to me.
I'm not sleeping much.
My mind is starting to make me hurt.
It's playing games with me.
I don't like it tonight.

It's jumping from one thing to the next
But tonight it's negative
Even the things that make me happy
Like certain people, or things I have planned,
Even those are being warped into something negative.

A mind like this is dangerous
But something is still telling me to let it go
It's leading me somewhere
Or so I'm told.

Just get there quick
Cause I can't take much more.
It's effecting my body and emotions
And soon it'll effect the ones I love.

I can't have that.
Just take me where I need to go
So I can give my mind a rest


I could really use someone next to me right now
Maybe I'll get a random text to distract my mind
Maybe I'll get set on the right path tomorrow

I need to be touched..
and I need to touch..
Something inside me is burning
And I'm just watching it burn.

Unfinished business

As my mind continues to wander
It stumbled upon death.
Difficult questions arose
Difficult answers were glimpsed.

Am I happy with my life?
Yes...and a big no.
I'm proud of who I am
But there's still so much to say
And so much to do.

Does everyone really know
How much I love them?
Did I show it enough?
Did I say it enough?
Did I say it at all?

Did I hear what others had to say?
Did I hold them close to my heart?
Did I help them in some odd way?
Or did I miss my chance to do all this
And make a difference in their life?

There are things I must do
There are things I must say

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I need to rewrite my letters.
There's a lot I need to add to several people's letters.
Maybe it's strange that I have these letters.
But it's all I can do right now to make sure certain people in my life know how I truly feel about them and the relationship we shared.
I'll work on that this week.

A chaotic mind - and My Love

My eyes are screaming
My head is aching
I want to sleep
But my mind can't rest.

It's been roaming aimlessly
From relationships to money
To careers to apartments
It's not focused.

So I write
And hope for some clarity
Though so far
It's just more of the same.

My mind works wonders
When I'm able to focus it
It's been hard to do
For several months now.

I know how to fix it
But why don't I do it?
It's like I want to fall on my face
Just to show I can get up.

But I want to move forward
That time has come
Now to find the motivation
From within...not without.


-------------------------------------


My Love

It's been a long time
Since I've shared my love.
I have a lot to give
Just no place to put it.

I've seen glimmers of hope
That last a small while
But even then
I knew it'd never last.

I'm a nice guy
And we finish last.
I'm every woman's wish,
But no woman's desire.

I remember a vow
I made to God
Many years ago
In a very dark hour.

I told Him I'd stay single
For my entire life
So I can finish my promise
If that's what He wanted.

Though I meant what I said
I thought He'd still give me
A woman to walk with
And share our love.

I can't be angry
I can't be sad
I'll just keep working
On the promise I made.

My love will be felt
In the work that I do
And I'll be rewarded
When I return home.

Ow...

What is about saying things aloud that makes them more emotionally charged?

I came to a realization the other day and it didn't bother me in the least..
or at least it seemed that way.
Tonight I shared this realization,
these feelings,
with the person they involved.

Was it something about actually hearing the words?
"I don't have any expectations anymore"
Why did it bother me when I heard my voice saying those words?
I guess saying it made it real.

We're friends.
Just friends.
She'll be a truly wonderful friend though.
And I'll be as true a friend as I possibly can be.

I guess I wanted more.
The potential I felt was immense.
But potential is just that...
Potential.

I suppose it can still happen
but not now
I doubt it would be anytime soon either.
So I must move on.

I'm the nice guy..
The best friend..
As always.
Let's not make it a bad thing though.