A chaotic mind - and My Love

My eyes are screaming
My head is aching
I want to sleep
But my mind can't rest.

It's been roaming aimlessly
From relationships to money
To careers to apartments
It's not focused.

So I write
And hope for some clarity
Though so far
It's just more of the same.

My mind works wonders
When I'm able to focus it
It's been hard to do
For several months now.

I know how to fix it
But why don't I do it?
It's like I want to fall on my face
Just to show I can get up.

But I want to move forward
That time has come
Now to find the motivation
From within...not without.


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My Love

It's been a long time
Since I've shared my love.
I have a lot to give
Just no place to put it.

I've seen glimmers of hope
That last a small while
But even then
I knew it'd never last.

I'm a nice guy
And we finish last.
I'm every woman's wish,
But no woman's desire.

I remember a vow
I made to God
Many years ago
In a very dark hour.

I told Him I'd stay single
For my entire life
So I can finish my promise
If that's what He wanted.

Though I meant what I said
I thought He'd still give me
A woman to walk with
And share our love.

I can't be angry
I can't be sad
I'll just keep working
On the promise I made.

My love will be felt
In the work that I do
And I'll be rewarded
When I return home.

Ow...

What is about saying things aloud that makes them more emotionally charged?

I came to a realization the other day and it didn't bother me in the least..
or at least it seemed that way.
Tonight I shared this realization,
these feelings,
with the person they involved.

Was it something about actually hearing the words?
"I don't have any expectations anymore"
Why did it bother me when I heard my voice saying those words?
I guess saying it made it real.

We're friends.
Just friends.
She'll be a truly wonderful friend though.
And I'll be as true a friend as I possibly can be.

I guess I wanted more.
The potential I felt was immense.
But potential is just that...
Potential.

I suppose it can still happen
but not now
I doubt it would be anytime soon either.
So I must move on.

I'm the nice guy..
The best friend..
As always.
Let's not make it a bad thing though.

Reconnect

I felt His presence with me tonight.
On my ride home,
my mind wandered from work to life to relationships.
I was feeling a little confused.
I took a deep breath
and an energy swelled within me.
He let me know that He's always with me.

I think I've allowed myself to get too caught up in the physical world lately.
I've neglected my spiritual self.
That wasn't a nice realization.
I apologized to God..and to myself.
I didn't mean to lose touch.
Perhaps that's why I've been feeling stuck lately.
I need to reconnect.

Then maybe I can move forward.
Maybe I can feel free again.
Maybe I'll see my path.
First things first..
Reconnect my spirituality.
Then the rest will be clear.

Balance

I believe I've been knocked off balance recently.
I think it's important for that to happen from time to time..
that way you keep yourself in good practice for when things really go awry.

This time it was a pleasant swing.
One that let me peak around the corners of my life
and see what I couldn't see before.

The best part of being knocked off your center...
is that when you try to find it again..
you realize your center has moved slightly.

It's kind of like a soap bubble floating in the air.
As it changes shape because of outside influences,
its center fluctuates with the gentle flow of the walls.

So in life, we must adapt to the ever-changing walls around us.
Focus on the elusive center
And welcome that challenge.

--------------------------------------

I have come to a crossroads in my life...
several of them, actually.
One in my career.
One in romance/love.
One in my finances.
One in my creative outlets...
The list could probably go on.

So what does this mean for me?
Changes are coming.
Some I have to deal with soon.
Others I have the luxury of waiting a little while to decide.

But, as always, I will be guided by God and His gentle ways.
I just have to remember to keep my mind quiet
so I can hear the soft whispers
and understand my steps.

Frustration of Choices

Frustration has set in..
It's my own fault.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't do too much,
But I can't do too little.

How do I balance it?
How do I go forward
When I'm pushed back?
Do I stop?

------------------------------------------

There's a direction I want to go.
A direction I feel is the right one.
Now as if someone announced that to the world,
I'm being pulled in other directions.

One feels more natural than anything I've ever experienced.
But I step that direction and an obstacle stops me from going further.
One feels like it just knows I'm looking another direction
And wants to prove that it's a beautiful and comfortable path.
One tempts me with an exotic mystery
But I need more than mystery to entice me now.

So...now what?
I'm beginning to feel lost here.
I need a nudge
From someone..
From God..
Anyone.

Opportunities

I had a discussion with a great friend of mine last night.
It was a much needed heart to heart.
Some deep feelings were discussed.
And some deep fears were shared.

We spoke of friendship
and love
and life with all its twists and turns.
And we spoke of fears.

I told her about something I've been fearing lately.
She understood the fear.
She asked what I was going to do about it.
..I don't know.

I explained how it seemed God was sending things my way to remind me about this fear.
Then a deep question arose.
Is He sending you reminders about that fear?
Or is He giving you the opportunity to overcome that fear?

Ah...then I remembered something taught to me in church growing up.
God doesn't test us,
He doesn't warn us,
He doesn't try to scare us,
He doesn't wait for us to be ready...

What He does is gives us the opportunities
to prove to ourselves that we can do it,
to keep ourselves open to new things,
to overcome our fears,
to show us that we are indeed ready.

So the next time I find myself asking
"God, why are you doing this to me?"
I will remember that He is not "doing something to me"
He is giving me an opportunity..
And I will take the opportunity gracefully.

Don't Move...

I stood by the water, ready to leave my sacred space
And follow my path through the forest.

"Don't move..."

Something inside me fluttered.
I stood...transfixed..
My world was going blank..
My senses were failing me.
My eyes closed..I could no longer see.
My body froze..I could no longer feel.
My mouth went dry..I could no longer taste.
The forest went silent..I could hear nothing.
I stopped breathing..I could no longer smell.

Then a warm island breeze brushed my face.
It began to thaw the forgotten corners of my heart.
The intoxicating aroma of Autumn Jasmine enticed me to breathe again.
And it reminded me what it is to live.
The soft petals whispered across my lips
Leaving behind the sweetest nectar for me to taste.
The birds were singing again, the waves splashing peacefully.
A celebration of all of life's joys around me.
Finally, I opened my eyes...
And saw my beautiful sunrise.

My senses were reborn...