The reigns

At some point last night
my mood shifted to a different side of me.
I felt like doing something crazy.
I felt like taking a chance.
And I also felt very sexual.

Though we all know I'm not the kind of guy
who looks for a hookup...
The thought crossed my mind.
There are certainly plenty of women I know
who would have no reservations if I wanted to have some fun with them.
But I came right home after work.

If I had a girlfriend,
she would've had one hell of a night.
Not just sexually..
I would've made it a night to remember...
even on short notice.

Alas..I am alone.
Not that it's a bad thing.
I don't want to jump in too fast with anyone.
I must keep my bearings.
I must stay level headed.
I must not lose my heart before there's a place to put it.

My heart is battered and bruised
But it is still stronger than most..
and braver than most.
Which is why I must keep the reigns on my heart..
otherwise, he just may be a little wreckless.

So I continue to walk my path..
enjoy my surroundings..
and the people I meet..
and the people who walk with me.

If I Die Young

This song puts me in a trance..
It makes me want to...
To hold the people I love.

So if I were to die..are there things left unsaid?
Yes..

What do I do about that?
Do I go around saying those things to the people I want to say them to?
I want to...

Are there things I would've wanted to do before I died?
Oh yes..

What do I do about that?
Trust in God...
Listen to my heart...
Believe in love...
Enjoy my life...
Embrace my friends...
and live.

It's nearly 3:30am

I can't sleep...
not sure why
...maybe I do know...
but I'm not guessing.
I just want warmth..
in my heart.

Limbo

The past couple days have had so many ups and downs..overall, just weird days.
My imagination has been running rampant
The people around me are all being crazy or weird as well
The weather has been dreary
Just not the best couple of days.

Let's start things off with the negative so that we can end on a good note...
I got an email from my new friend that just left me feeling like I was being hung out to dry almost. I didn't really respond to her because I want to give her my kind of response..which means I need to be with her. I'm not responding in a negative way at all. She might actually really like it, but in any case, it must wait til she comes here on Saturday. Good things already came from this, so I don't want to really complain about it...though she was really quiet today. I hardly heard from her at all.

So today my ex pissed me off. I haven't really been talking to her, but lately decided that I could be nice and talk to her a bit. Well, that didn't pay off. Her true colors came shining through once more and I decided that she can no longer be in my life whatsoever.

On the other hand...at the beginning of my shift at work today, I was told that a certain patient would not come out of her room and wouldn't talk with anyone. Naturally, I thought to myself "This is my specialty" and walked straight to her room..poked my head in and introduced myself with a gentle smile and hand on her shoulder. I kept checking in on her and finally asked her to walk around with me a bit..she hesitated, then stood up and walked with me. I got her to talk to me about her issues, her hobbies, and some hopes. Later I checked in on her again and gave her some words of encouragement..she asked when I was coming back and I told her not til Thursday. She looked at me with sad eyes, stood up and hugged me. We're not supposed to hug patients, but sometimes rules should be broken...

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So..let's have a good day.
say lot's of hellos and how are you's
give lot's of hugs and smiles
send up some special prayers
and show your love.

There may be plenty on my mind
but I won't forget what's important

Be brave and kind Brian.

Update!

Good news! My brother's mother-in-law is home and stable. There are still alot of questions that haven't been answered for her, but she is at least doing well and home.

My aunt is in good spirits. She has surgery next Monday, but is in the mindset of "at least it'll all be over soon." God bless her.

My cousin John is married now and is on his way to Wildwood for their honeymoon. They seem to be really good for each other. They're always telling each other how much they love each other. They always do things together. They should have a really happy marriage.

Never before

I don't understand it..
at all.
But the only time I realize that I don't understand it is when I'm alone.
And even then, I don't really care that I don't understand it.

I've learned to trust God when He gives me feelings about things...whether it be people, situations, or anything else.
He saved my life once.
When we truly listen, He guides us through everything.

There is a thought..or series of thoughts..that has been running around my mind for the past day and a half.
Why don't I feel any reservations? No blocks? Nothing to prevent it?
But that has never happened before.

There's always been some kind of block..something to keep part of me separated.
Not this time.
It's been intoxicating me.
Putting me in a different world.
Making me see things in a different way.

It's making me breathe deeper.
Pray harder.
Listen more intently.
Relax more completely.

I look into the peaceful dark orbs before me..
I forget that anything else exists..
It's like I'm getting a glimpse of heaven..
They welcome me in..

I'm lost here..
But safe..
Somehow I know I'm safe..
And I let go..
I let my spirit flow more freely than it ever has before..
I can feel God smiling..
His smile shines through the orbs..
It warms my heart and caresses my soul.

Never before have I let myself be this open..this free..this happy

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Dear God,

Thank you for understanding me. For guiding me to this point. I don't always see my next step, but I always know that you'll show me when the time is right. This was a most unexpected step on my path, but it feels like it just might be one of the most amazing, exciting, and memorable steps you've ever given me. Thank you for the gift of RJR! I couldn't possibly thank you enough God. But I will try to show my appreciation through my actions with this step and everything else I encounter in my life. I promise I will be the best man I can possibly be..and then some. You will be reflected in all my actions.

Complications

I had decided that I didn't want to write much about relationships on here anymore, but it's what's on my mind right now.

I just had a conversation with someone who came into my life like a firestorm. I don't really know how I feel about it. Last night we spent alot of time being close and getting to know each other better..which was great! She does something to me that I can't describe. It's just one of those intangible things that draw you in to someone. I'm excited..and scared..of what the future holds for us. However, this morning our conversation made me worry that it won't get to play out.

She has been hurt in the past and is now so protective of herself that she won't take any chances anymore. I fear that she'll stop us from becoming whatever it is that we're meant to be..whether it be friends or something more.

Now I'm put on the defense and I'm worried about sharing everything I want to share with her. But do I play it safe (the very thing that upset me about her) or do I take the chance and possibly get hurt..but possibly end up with so much more?

I already know the answer...I decided it weeks ago when we first met. I will not live my life and wonder "what if" at the end of it. I'm taking the chance.

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Now the wild card..

I don't know what I'm doing with Geena. She and I have distanced ourselves a bit over the past couple weeks, but I do still like her..just not like I used to. I don't know if she'll be ready for a guy like me for quite awhile. She's still figuring out who she is..the age difference between us may be too much. She likes to be spoiled (not in a bad way), but I can't do that right now. If she starts putting more effort into it, then I may turn back toward her, but right now she doesn't seem to care so I've been turned away from her..and unfortunately for her, someone else has entered my life and it's something more than anything I've felt before.

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So what next?

I ride the wave. I wait for that connection to happen. I wait for someone's walls to come down and welcome me and everything I have to offer. At that point, I'll make sure she never regrets her decision..I'll make her the happiest woman in the world..I'll show her what a dedicated, loving, nurturing man I am.

Until then...I'll hold her hands and gaze in her eyes and lose myself.