A Flower in a Desert

My blog has been silent...
My thoughts have been rampant.

The thing I refer to as my life...
That has been changing.

The beating of my heart...
Is sounding a different rhythm.

The visions in my head...
Are clearer than before.

My dreams of love...
Have grown cold.

My hopes of success...
Have grown hot.

...............

It's funny how I'm happier
When I am not hoping for love.
Love has always been
Such a huge dream of mine.
If there was a time
When love could've been mine,
It slipped through my hands
And out of my life.

I still love...
Deeper and stronger than ever.
But I'm beginning to see
That maybe I'm meant to be alone.
The closest I came to feeling love
Is the love I've felt from one of my closest friends.
A flower in the middle of a desert.
A rainbow in the midst of a storm.

I broke

One of my best friends
                         resents me.
That was one of the most painful things
                                         I ever had to hear.

How do I fix that?
           What do I do?

I think she fears being alone with me
                      because I couldn't keep my secret.

I pray for her.
                I pray for us.

My friends mean the world to me.

What kind of friend am I
            if I make one of them resent me?






My heart is broken...









                                  My soul is weak...









It's time to rebuild...










                            Before I'm completely gone.

Memories of you

Tonight
I go through my memories of you
From when we met in your apartment
Just you, me, and my camera.

You smiled and laughed
You made me feel young
You were extraordinarily beautiful
You made me comfortable.

The months passed by
We talked more and more
Things progressed
And we had our first date.

The date went well
We talked and laughed
We enjoyed each other's company
And I walked you to your door.

You invited me in
Though just for a minute
We talked a little while longer
Then it was time for me to go.

I stood looking in your eyes
You moved in close
We embraced each other
In a very warm hug.

As we pulled apart
Our eyes met again
And before I knew it
You pressed your lips to mine.

Though we saw each other more
Over the next year and a half
Something kept you from me
And you had your secrets.

I was ready to give myself to you
You could've had my heart
I would've treated you
Like no one else could.

Now you send me messages
That say you would marry me
But you still have your secrets
And I can't be with half a woman.

Let down

I'm tired of being let down by my friends.
I allow myself to get excited about things
and the people I love seem to think that it's ok
to just not follow through.

Yes, I'm exaggerating.
I'm just frustrated right now.
I have a few very reliable friends.
I love them more than words.

It just gets very tiring.
I think people assume
that since they know I'll forgive them
they can get away with hurting me.

And then others avoid talking to me altogether
so that they can avoid hurting me...
which ultimately hurts me more.

I feel a bit lost among my friends.
I've only been talking to two friends really.
I'm trying my hardest to keep the happiness
that's been creeping up from inside me.

I was heading into some dark places not long ago.
I don't want to go back that direction.
I need to find some affection
Not necessarily anything sexual,
but some kind of love that can bridge my gap
while I repair it.

Turning the page

Letting go of the pain
Before it turns me insane
I'm learning to live again
This chapter of my life must end.

People have come and gone
Like the colors of the fall
Never meant to last long
Now I'm proudly moving on.

No more tears to cloud my sight
No more darkness of the night
Just the sun burning bright
And my soul with all its might.

My mood is rising with the sun
Excitement builds with inspiration
Soon I'll join in all the fun
And lay to rest my depression.

Loneliness

Tonight,
I'm having an affair
With a lady
Who is never far
From the warmth of my heart.

Most other nights
I can resist this temptress,
But tonight...
Tonight she found my weakness,
And I fell into her arms.

She began her seduction
By getting under my skin,
Then within my mind
And into my soul.
There was nothing I could do
But be made a fool.

As the night went on
A new comfort arose.
I admit I was wary,
Without my defense
I let her embrace me.

Within our embrace
Our minds got creative
And saw things anew.
We now saw potential
Where once there was fear.

Tonight I loved her
But she'll be gone soon
A fickle friend she is
After all the pain she caused
Oddly she'll be missed

The time for my seductress
To no longer be nameless
Is finally upon us,
And I shall be shameless.
You know her best
By the name of Loneliness.

Poison and Wine

Never heard this song before,

But it struck something inside me