Another Jasmine

This is Jasmine
another Jasmine
another free spirit
she captured me

The shoot was great, but I think I found another lifelong friend.
Her energy was almost tangible.
I look forward to the future rendezvous.

My patience is growing thin

Patience I have..
but I feel like I've waited long enough.
I still have to treat her as if we're dating.
But without the title
without the kisses
without anything that comes with a relationship.

Now I have others who are interested in me.
I want to wait.
but I don't want to wait.
How am I supposed to choose?

Scared..

I know it's been awhile since I've written anything...again...but I'm falling asleep at my computer and somehow decided that now is a good time to write a blog. All I really want to mention is how scared I am.

This girl Geena came over last night and we spent the day together today. We've been seeing each other as often as we can..which is once a week, usually. She's young..20 actually. She's beautiful...very beautiful. She makes me feel like I'm capable of anything. She makes me a better man than I already am. She's shaping up to be a really great woman for me. We've been taking things slowly..which I think is good.

So why am I scared? Because I don't want another broken heart. I've been trying so hard to keep myself in check and not fall for this girl..but it's so hard. Everytime we're together I find myself slipping a little more. I'm afraid that I'm falling faster than she is.

If I were more awake..I'd write so much more..but my eyes are fighting with me.

Virtual to Reality

I haven't been writing much on my blog...perhaps due to me finding my way back into my journal I have in this "real" world. I'm not sure what makes me want to write more on paper than to type on my computer. Maybe it's just because I can look at my journal and actually see the mood I was in by the intensity of my handwriting..maybe it looks more like a bit of me I'm leaving behind everyday..I don't know.

I've been struggling with several things this year and I try so hard not to think "what next?" but I find those words entering my thoughts from time to time. My always positive attitude has diminished to a vaguely coherent side show during the past several months and I'm worried about how to get that attitude back to forefront of my life.

I need a career change...I need to let go of my ex-girlfriend (we're friends now)..not that I want to date her anymore, but I've been trying to help her through a hard part of her life and she is completely draining me of all the energy I have left. I don't think she even realizes how much trouble I'm having in my own life.

But then I think.."If I died tomorrow and I didn't do everything I could to help someone I loved, would I be happy..or would I regret not helping?" I want people to remember me as someone who sacrificed anything to help people. I want to know I left this world a better place when my time comes to move on.

Help me find my way again. There's much I need to do in this lifetime..I need to find my way to the path that leads me there...out of this dark, overgrown forest.

Farewell

I am a single man again. I think that's a good thing. I really did like the girl I was seeing, but I deserve to be treated much better than how she treated me. So even though it stung at first to leave her, I'm already beginning to feel more free and clear than I've felt in awhile.

There is another girl who I have been out with a couple of times before I started seeing Dominique, but I'm definitely taking things slow with her. I don't really know her too well yet, and she's much younger than me...but we'll see how things go. I just want to enjoy being myself for now.

Catching myself

This has been one of the hardest years of my life so far. I've been dealing with more stress than I can remember..and it's only March. My attitude has, thankfully, switched from the "why is this happening" attitude to a much healthier one.

Most of the stress has been the kind of stuff you can't really do anything about (death, illnesses and accidents) but the one source of stress that I can do something about is with the girl I've been seeing. Yes, she's great when she wants to be..the problem is she hasn't been treating me very well. I've been blowing it off and saying to myself that it's only because she's going through so much right now, but I'm starting to wonder if that's true.

I'm not going to leave her just yet. I want to see how this all plays out over the next few weeks (maybe months) before I make that kind of decision.

I am happy with how I was able to change my outlook though. I was starting to walk down a very dark path..one I've been down before and almost didn't make it out. This time I caught myself early though. I picked myself up and changed direction. I'm still working on getting my motivation back, but at least I have the right attitude to find it now.

I need a break

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of the year so far, and it has been an extremely stressful year.

It culminated Friday night with me being taken to the hospital from work for lightheadedness and discomfort in my neck and shoulders that was coming and going much of the day. Around dinner time I felt so strange that I knew something was wrong. The nurses I work with took my blood pressure and it was really high (and I normally run low). They called the doctor over and they all made me go to the hospital to get checked out.

The ER ran all their tests and didn't find anything wrong so the doctor told me that it was more than likely my body reacting to stress. He also told me it would be a good idea to try and stay away from some of the people who bring the most stress to me...yeah, that'd be nice.


My body was shutting down
It was telling me to take a break
I don't know what to do now
I wish I could just take a few weeks and leave.