Hello again

I haven't written here in awhile
I've been writing elsewhere
A lot has changed
I'll have to write about it later though

Tonight I'm just here to say
That I'll be writing more here
Or at least trying
For now, I leave you.

The Setting Sun

You brightened my world
And warmed my soul
You showed me paths
I never knew I could go

I traveled so far
Under your bright gaze
An angel of fire
You set my heart ablaze

I could've stayed there forever
But you are elsewhere bound
My world is dimming
As you fall toward the ground

I could run after you
To keep you longer
Or I could watch you leave
Which would be harder?

You're growing more distant
You're changing your colors
More beautiful than ever
As you move on to others

As your light leaves my life
Your warmth stays with me
I'll always remember you
I know I had to let you free.

The Only One

Within the mix at a family party
I gazed around and easily realized
I am the odd man out now
I'm the only one
Standing alone.

It makes me sad sometimes
I'm a good guy
Who would make a woman
Extremely happy.
I'm loyal
I'm kind
I'm passionate
I'm intelligent
I'm confident
And I'll be an amazing father...
Still...
  I'm the only one
  Standing alone.

Island of Paradise

I used to see a light in your eyes
When you looked at me.
Though your eyes may still be bright
The light that I sparked is gone.

We were never more than friends
    When seen through your eyes.
Perhaps you were right to believe that
    Maybe that's all we ever were.

A future together may have been hard
Or it could've been amazing
We're at the point now
That we'll never find out.

That ship has sailed
We were marooned on that island.
It may not be what I wanted
But it's where I was left.

I can signal for the ship
And wear a disguise,
Or I can turn this piece of land
Into an island of paradise.

Emotionless

People ask me
How I keep so level headed
When it comes to my emotions.

Then I wonder how I can't.

There are times in my life
When I allow myself to get excited
To acknowledge the deep emotions
To express them and show them..

Then with rare exceptions
I have it taken from me
And I feel a hurt deeper
Than anyone understands.

I keep level headed
To protect myself.
Because it seems my emotions
Run far deeper
Than the average person.

So many people think
I don't feel those emotions.

But that's so far from the truth.

I feel too much
Too deeply.

Knowing that about myself
I continually keep my emotions in check
So I can experience life to its fullest.

Rising star

The past few months
Have been extremely difficult
I was dropped into a darkness
That left me weak and tired

Then a couple weeks ago
A new star rose above the horizon
Guiding me to a warmer place
And a better future

I'll follow this light
Out of the dark
Into a new world
Of promise and life.

Are you there?

I have become a burden
Not only to myself
But to my friends and family
It's one of the most horrible feelings

I have trouble holding back tears
They're constantly just beneath the surface
Waiting..and burning
It hurts

My bad days have dominated
My good days are harder to hold on to
I pray for guidance
I see darkness

I'm trying to break it
I'm trying hard
I won't give up
Not this time

It's taking a toll on me
I'm isolating myself
I know I shouldn't
But my strength has diminished.

....God...are you there?

Drifting

He had no idea
How he got there
Alone on a raft
No land in sight

He could hear no voices
See no sun
He could feel no wind
Sense no direction

A box floats toward him
He fishes it out
Inside he finds a message
Clearly written to him

It tells him of an island
He is destined to find
There he'll be happy
There he'll be loved

Drifting on open water
With nothing but faith
Wishing for a current
To speed him on his way

Looking to the horizon
He finally sees land
But the waters are against him
They're pulling him away

That was the land
The one in the message
The distance is growing
Soon it'll no longer be seen

Does he trust in the message
Does he follow the current
A voice in the wind
Urges his decision

He jumps in the water
Risking his life
He swims with all his might
The water fights him back

He looks toward the land
He knows that's the place
He swims even harder
Courage burning inside

He may not make it
But he knows he has to try
Pushing his soul to its limits
The water seems to swallow him

Giving in to the pain
He accepts that he's drowning
He closes his eyes
And blackness engulfs him

Suddenly it's calm
He feels warmth again
Opening his eyes
He's blinded by light

As he looks to his right
Just below the sun
A silhouette of a woman
Approaches him with love

Traveling On

I have been walking down
A self destructive path
Fueled by the fire of others

I caught myself
I saw where I was heading
Now, I believe
I corrected my direction

I still feel the hurt and anger
That reached deep within me
But I'm repairing that now

I miss my conversations with God
Those moments set aside every night
To quiet my mind
Quiet my soul
And listen to the silence

I hardly remember the last time
I silenced myself to that point
But I need to do it again
And often

I was upset with God
I felt betrayed
I felt lied to
Or maybe that He gave me
A destination I cannot reach

I guess I still feel that way
I still believe in it
I'm just prevented from proving it

I'll repair the wounds
And get my bearings
Then travel on

Last Day on Earth - Kate Miller-Heidke

Tonight's obsession...
Her voice dug into my soul
The song inspired a scene in my book

I really have to finish that book...
There's so much creativity in it
So much of my life
So many of the people I love
One day...

The Horizon's Paradise

I look to the horizon

And see an incredible sight

The colors are magic

It's magnetic

It pulls me

It draws me in

It lights a fire in me

Standing at the edge of a canyon

I'm unable to travel toward it

Just a distant paradise

A dreamer's dream

But I still feel its warmth

Even at such a distance

I travel the edge of the canyon

To another horizon

One I don't see

A slim hope for such a paradise

Unless a bridge is built

From the other side

I must travel toward the unknown

Resignation

So I resigned from my job today
I really had little choice
But I'm sure I'll find my way

I wish I could just do this photography full time now
But we don't have the equipment yet
Soon though...soon

My life feels like it's in the midst of a storm
I'm being blown through the chaos
Just trying to find my footing

From time to time
I'll lose hope
But I've been able to fight back

It's been taking a toll on me though
I miss my friends
I miss my life

God has His reasons
And I'll learn through all this
It'll make sense in the end

Slipping

I've been pushing back these walls
With all my strength
I'm beginning to worry though
'Cause I'm losing strength

I put on a strong face for the world
While my heart twists in pain
Part of me wants to give in
Part of me knows I can't

I keep fighting back
And giving myself room
Then those walls crush me again
And I'm suffocating

I have no room to move
No breath to scream
The only strength I have left
Is my faith inside

I barely hear the friendly voices
Though I know they're there
I can't reach out a hand
I can't look to find them

I made some progress lately
But today I lost my footing
I slid further than I was before
And now I'm on my knees

I need help getting out of this
Before I lose all hope
I'm not sure which way to turn
But I'll still listen for your voice

It'll burn again

I can feel it deep inside

I haven't felt it in months

That magnetism I once had

Before it was crushed from me

When I could do no wrong

When it guided me

When it showed me love

And brought me connections

I believed in it completely

It was never wrong

Then it was challenged

They fought blindly

And I lost faith

It was lost since then

But I catch glimpses of it

Like a firefly at night

Burning for a moment

And disappearing the next

Perhaps one day

It'll burn true again

And I'll regain the faith

I lost back then

Pushing Through the Struggle

When did things change for the worse?
I'm feeling more distant from you...
     All of you.

I keep reminding myself
Things will get better
That I'll get through this
That it'll just take a little more effort
And I'll be back on my feet again.

I'm trying not to complain
I tell everyone I'm doing ok
...not to worry.
I lie to them
I don't know why.

I distance myself
I'm not even talking to my two best friends
At least not as much as I should
They have their own issues
And I can't add to their stress.

I'll deal with this
I've dealt with worse
I'll figure it out
I'll end up on top
...somehow.

This won't last
It's happening for a reason
God is always teaching me
And guiding me
I still believe everything He's shown me
No matter who says otherwise.

What to Wear

We're going out tonight

Dinner and a show

You ask what should you wear

I say "I don't know"

I get up and follow

As you sigh and walk away

You stand in your closet

I stand in the doorway

You toss a dress to the bed

Another falls to the floor

I smile as I catch your hand

And ask "What are you looking for?"

I pull you closer

And whisper in your ear

I thought about it

I know what you should wear

Just brush your hand through your hair

Like when you get nervous

It reminds me of our first date

And how kissing you took all my courage

I want you to wear those eyes

The dark ones that warm my heart

They look beautiful in any light

Like a true work of art

And could you wear that smile

The one that lights up the room

It would accent your eyes

Like the sun lights the moon

And I'd like you to bring your touch

The one that holds my hand

And erases all my worries

And make it tender, if you can

Of course you'd have to bring your voice

Bring the soft one and the firm one

They go together perfectly

Like a duet beautifully sung

And if you would bring along your heart

So that I can hold it for you,

I'll protect it with my life

And love it like only I can do.



It's just temporary

I'm getting more stressed as the days go on.
I'm in pain with my neck.
I'm having trouble with the insurance company.
It's starting to look like I won't have a job soon.
No income.
No benefits.
Just me and the endless onslaught of people who need help.

I'm unhappy with many things.
I'm trying to turn my mind around.
Trying to make things positive.
I know this is all temporary.

Rambling

I'm laying here...
     Typing...
          Deleting...
     Typing...
          Deleting...

My thoughts are scattered..
     Longing for a taste...
          Flinching with pain...
     Yearning to explore...
          Thinking of work...
    
Touching the heavens
     With my thoughts of friends
Dreaming of the future
     And the success I'm building

I could die tomorrow
With nothing to leave
No child or legacy
No fortune or gift

I've been given stress
     That doesn't belong to me.
But I took it anyway
     Because it's what I do.

Friends are in need
And I'm giving more than I have.
No hope of repayment
No reward for the work.

All I can do
Is smile with God.
He's the only one who knows
He's the only one helping.

Backwards - Christina Perri

Storms

I sit here with the lights down low
Rain pounding above me
Wind whistling by the windows
Flashes from the sky lighting my room
The roar of Irene in the distance

Nature is reflecting my heart tonight
A storm rages inside me
A rare moment of anger
Spinning toward one I love

I spoke words I believe
And they were diminished
Like they have no weight at all
It hurt me and angered me
Mostly because of what she means to me

My insides feel twisted
My heart is on fire